Monthly Archives: May 2014

Self Harm

Self Harm is a term that we all know. We think of teenagers alone in their bedroom cutting themselves or burning themselves or some other self harm that causes physical harm and is visible. There are other forms of self harm! Take what I do-

Oh yeah I should say I am in my fifties definitely not a teenager.

I am a man with health issues, Heart problems, C.O.P.D., weight issues and arthritis. Your asking why this is relevant well I’ll tell you. The way I harm myself is to stop taking my medication. This causes many problems and much pain.

In my head that pain is deserved. Its a way of me receiving the pain I’ve caused so many others to be put on myself. See I deserve to feel that pain. I need it as a way of paying for my past. Not that I’m using my past as an excuse never will. At the time I caused most of the pain I was an adult and made the decisions as an adult not a child.

I get angry these days when I hear horror stories about adoption and fostering. They should not still be happening. What happens then is I remember the pain I felt as a child then it reminds me as an adult I caused so much pain to so many folk. Mostly intentionally but never intentionally recently. The pain I cause anyone that comes in contact with me should be a criminal offence because for the safety of others I should be locked away. Its the only way to stop me hurting folk.

So to anyone I have hurt sorry but my self harming is in my own way to make retribution for the pain I caused. I hope that helps you all.


Tears they come

You know not why

Then you realise

It doesn’t matter

They release that tension

Drain the fear

Make your spirit lighter


Still your troubled

Why do they come

Its in your head

That reason


Then it stops 

The worry leaves you

The day will come soon

When they return

Worry about them then

Long term pain

Since Saturday I’ve been unable to stand up straight with extreme pain in my back and shoulders.
It has given me a new understanding for anyone who has long term pain. People who suffer from the likes of ms or fibromyalgia and the likes cope with these feelings day in and day out.
I don’t know how they do it!!!
I’m struggling after a few days. Some folk cope with it for years on end.
Huge respect to them!!!


In life I often make mistakes.

What I rarely consider is the effect my mistakes will have on people I don’t know. That might sound a little weird but every person we meet, even if its only for a second or two, we impact on their life. This in turn effects those folk they meet hence we effect folk we may never have met.

All of the interactions we have create our web of life.

If we make lots of mistakes as I do often. Then all of my mistakes end up effecting hundreds of not thousands of others.

An example of this web of life, a positive example, around 40 years ago a lovely Japanese lass came to Scotland and was the first practising member of Nichiren Buddhism here. Now there are getting close to a thousand. That lass made the causes that effected all of those folk. Even if she never met them.


Those decisions I make that are wrong also effect the people I do know. That hurts not only them but me as well. In these cases those things are harder to let yourself be forgiven for. Forgiving yourself is often the hardest thing to do but remember that web of life. Those decisions you made that started the negativity will be compounded if we don’t rectify them. In other words how we resolve an argument or disagreement is often more important than how it started.

Something else to bear in mind is –

If we are part of the web of life and we release the strand of that web we are holding then the whole web can unravel and end up just being a bundle of string.


So please no matter what happens in your life never let go of your strand of that web of life!