What I deserve

For those of us who had rough childhoods often ask that question. What do I deserve?

Recently I’ve been asking myself that a lot.
Do I deserve a life?
Do I deserve to be happy?
Often in my opinion the answer is no.
If as in my own case abuse has followed me. From a parent who lifted his hands, an adult who thought it acceptable to sexually abuse me to an ex-wife who took delight in ridiculing me in front of everyone.
Well in my mind it can’t be the fault of others. I mean if so many things happen to me. Surely a big part of the blame must be mine. In which case I deserve nothing but pain.

I know there’ll be folk shouting NO Its their fault. In my mind I can’t see that at all.

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