Monthly Archives: May 2014

England v Scotland

In England, they will take a tree, cut it down, remove the branches and the bark until they are left with a cylinder. Next, they will take the cylinder of wood and turn it on a lathe and whittle away until they are left with a perfectly formed bat. The bat will be cured and treated to strengthen it and then, when it is finally ready, they will use it to knock a leather ball around a park.

In Scotland, they just throw the tree!!


Adoption and tv

As someone with an interest in the care system in the UK. So when there’s a tv programme about it. I watch with great interest.

The programme’s they show only ever show half the story. They show the joy of parents receiving newly adopted children, they show part of the process. Even children looking for adoptive parents.

What they don’t show are the number of siblings that social services split up. Not only are they split on numerous occasions they’re split never to see each other again.

Not only is this wrong its should be against all social services stand for.
There so called caring professional’s should be ensuring that all kids in they’re care are looked after, they should be giving them the information to maintain contact with their siblings. Even if that’s decades later.

Not only is it the right thing for them to do. Morally, ethically in everyway. In my opinion it should also be the legal thing to do.
Why is it not?

It would have the added benefit of saving huge amounts on the mental health budgets in later years. As like me kids losing siblings spend so much time in years later trying to sort out our mental health.

In & exclusion

As a victim of abuse. We all use these tendencies without thinking about it.

We will remember every bad word said about us for ever. All the folk who back up our negative feelings about ourselves will be included. They are the people speaking the truth.
When folk say nice or positive things about us. We think they’re being nice, or they’re only saying that and don’t mean those things. So we exclude anything they say about us because it can’t be true. It doesn’t fit with our feelings about ourselves.

So what do we do?

We need to re-evaluate the way we listen. Rather than not listening to positive statements. Listen to them and think why would they just be saying it? Some of them will just be saying nice things but that doesn’t mean you have to ignore them.
If nice things are just said. That could mean those saying them think highly of you and are just showing it.
So ask yourself why am I including or excluding statements? If your answer is just because or they’re just being nice. Then think again! Think maybe they’re being honest, maybe they’re speaking a truth you need to accept!

So please listen to what others say and give it serious consideration. Being a survivor of abuse DOES NOT MEAN YOUR BAD or that you DON’T DESERVE GOOD THINGS IN YOUR LIFE!  You do same as everyone else.

Perhaps we should be excluding just the negative things and include just the positive thoughts!

All I want

All I wanna do
Is have a life to

In my past
There was pain
And terror to
Loneliness, little joy
Death and horror to
All of these followed me
Into the present day

All I wanna do
Is have a life to

In the present
I fight
For peace
A mind that is calm
Nights without dreams
Woes just small ones please
Tension reduced
Muscles relaxed
Thoughts of joy

All I wanna do
Is have a life to

In the future
I will have
A mind filled with calm
A body free from tension
Strength to help
My special friends
A future to
Look forward to
I will have a

All I will do
Is have a life to

What I deserve

For those of us who had rough childhoods often ask that question. What do I deserve?

Recently I’ve been asking myself that a lot.
Do I deserve a life?
Do I deserve to be happy?
Often in my opinion the answer is no.
If as in my own case abuse has followed me. From a parent who lifted his hands, an adult who thought it acceptable to sexually abuse me to an ex-wife who took delight in ridiculing me in front of everyone.
Well in my mind it can’t be the fault of others. I mean if so many things happen to me. Surely a big part of the blame must be mine. In which case I deserve nothing but pain.

I know there’ll be folk shouting NO Its their fault. In my mind I can’t see that at all.

Lost wee boy

When my mum died I was 9 year old. The stress and anger it caused turned me into a lost wee boy.
Recently I’ve been looking at my life back then and have come to realise. When I get stressed or angry these days. I do the exact same thing. Becoming a lost wee boy until all the stress and anger has gone.
It makes me hide from the world, I often wedge myself between the bed and the wall so I’m held tight. That makes me feel safe just like a wee boy would. Worst of all I build a gigantic wall around me. Let no one in that way I can’t get hurt. However it also means no one can get in to help me or comfort me. Then the worry, anger or stress just cycles around in my mind. Making it worse!
How to stop this cycle? I just don’t know. I do know it needs to stop!