Time of year

I don’t know about anyone else but there are certain times of year that really get to me.
Christmas is one, April 1st is another that would have been my Mum’s birthday and then there’s the lead up to my birthday and the hellish weeks straight after leading to the anniversary of Mum’s death.
This might seem strange to you but these times of year I get really down and on occasion suicidal.

When you think I turned 55yr old yesterday. Why does events over 40yr old still effect me in this way? The simple answer is. I don’t know!
What I do know is I’ve spent more than half of my life wishing or wanting to be dead.

Over the last few weeks, as I always do, I’ve been thinking over my life.
The result of this has been as usual that I hurt to many people. However then my thoughts moved onto what folk think of me.
As I mentioned earlier it was my birthday recently and not one person visited. When you think I hate 6 kids and 8 grand kids that says so much. How can I expect anyone to feel anything other than hate for me if my own kids and grand kids don’t care?

Then I started thinking about how long I’ve been suicidal in my life. In the past I have tried to kill myself but never succeeded. Now I wish I had!!!!!
How long can anyone feel they don’t deserve to live in their life?
I have felt that way for way to long!!! Its time to put an end to those feelings. I’m so fed up with the continual fight to not kill myself. I’m fed up hurting others then no one caring about me. I suppose if, like me, you hurt folk. You can’t expect them to care.
SORRY BUT I CAN’T FIGHT ANYMORE.
I give in!
Time to stop the world and get of. Time to stop all this crap in my head. The continual fight against a past I can’t change. The fight to stop my mind dragging me back to that place where I did nothing but where my life stopped.
Time to rest.
Time to hold my hands up and say enough. I won’t let this keep going.
Time to allow my mind to rest!
To let mind relax, something that’s not been possible for so long.
Time to see if heaven or in my case hell is real.
Time to stop fighting!!!!
I give in!
The bastard’s from my past were right I deserve nothing less than eternity in hell.

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