Weird

As you can see from my previous blog. Things are OK not great but ok. I am missing my best friend though.

The weird thing being my head is so messed up. 

I know there are folk really suffering and I have nothing to complain about!!!!!!!!!!

However I’ve stopped taking my medication, I’m spending more and more time in the forest on my own, not even taking my dog with me, just sitting there looking over the cliff towards Perthshire. I can’t settle to anything, stopped reading, stopped writing really, haven’t cut my grass this year at all really well twice. 
I don’t get the way my head works! This is all down to me no one else but I don’t understand it at all. Why can’t I act like a normal man? Why does everything seem to be such a struggle and cause so much stress? 

I couldn’t even do what was right if it was explained to me in basic terms with diagrams. 
I continually make the wrong decisions, say the wrong thing then regret it and end up alone going over everything in my mind and making things so much worse.

 

What do I do? How can I stop acting like this?

I’m even trying to stop smoking at a time when I’m not taking my heart medication. Weird sad auld man.

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5 thoughts on “Weird

  1. Reblogged this on Outside The Box and commented:
    I’m still here darling, I’ll always be here as long as God allows me to be. I don’t want to do this in public but you ARE my best friend, YOU ALWAYS have been my true best friend all these years and we have been there for each other through thick and thin. We are soul mates and always will be, you know that as well as I do. It’s all timing my lovely, we are both hanging on individually and separately to our difficulties and that has put a distance between us. It’s just words, nothing more and nothing less. I’m kinda lacking in them and circumstances have forced me into a dark lonely corner where I don’t really want to interact with anybody who has the ability to hurt me. Re JP, I just can’t take one more ounce of hurt darling, I’m sorry. The brain tumour thing………you know. Let’s leave it at that. I’m not much use from this cocoon but I still love you, I’ll always love you but I can’t be leaned on right now and for that I’m sorry. I’m kind of hanging on by the thinnest thread, you know every single thing about me and so I know you will understand that even the strongest of people have their limits and I reached mine a long time ago.
    You also know I understand your situation darling, please stop being so hard on yourself! Be kind to yourself.
    One thing does worry me Mr. Your Grass, your lawn, you are a brilliant botanist, and lecturer, your knowledge is unsurpassed and you know it is, you know that so please at least get off your arse and go mow your lawn tomorrow and you will feel so much better. Also please don’t lose sight of Katie’s needs PLEASE. REMEMBER SHE IS AN OLD LADY! You rescued her from the dogs trust when she was 11 and no one wanted her for 5 years, please put her needs right back up there at the top of your list, she needs that.
    I love you big guy, we just don’t like each other very much right now but I will never let you go, you know that.
    Stay strong, please.
    Su x

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  2. I’m still here darling, I’ll always be here as long as God allows me to be. I don’t want to do this in public but you ARE my best friend, YOU ALWAYS have been my true best friend all these years and we have been there for each other through thick and thin. We are soul mates and always will be, you know that as well as I do. It’s all timing my lovely, we are both hanging on individually and separately to our difficulties and that has put a distance between us. It’s just words, nothing more and nothing less. I’m kinda lacking in them and circumstances have forced me into a dark lonely corner where I don’t really want to interact with anybody who has the ability to hurt me. Re JP, I just can’t take one more ounce of hurt darling, I’m sorry. The brain tumour thing………you know. Let’s leave it at that. I’m not much use from this cocoon but I still love you, I’ll always love you but I can’t be leaned on right now and for that I’m sorry. I’m kind of hanging on by the thinnest thread, you know every single thing about me and so I know you will understand that even the strongest of people have their limits and I reached mine a long time ago.
    You also know I understand your situation darling, please stop being so hard on yourself! Be kind to yourself.
    One thing does worry me Mr. Your Grass, your lawn, you are a brilliant botanist, and lecturer, your knowledge is unsurpassed and you know it is, you know that so please at least get off your arse and go mow your lawn tomorrow and you will feel so much better. Also please don’t lose sight of Katie’s needs PLEASE. REMEMBER SHE IS AN OLD LADY! You rescued her from the dogs trust when she was 11 and no one wanted her for 5 years, please put her needs right back up there at the top of your list, she needs that.
    I love you big guy, we just don’t like each other very much right now but I will never let you go, you know that.
    Stay strong, please.
    Su x

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  3. We are both in bad places right now my best friend ever and forever. I still love you and always will but we both need space and we both need to help ourselves before we can help anyone else.
    Please just take care of you gorgeous your the loveliest most precious lass ever and so so special to many people.
    I’m certain we will both get there as you say time is what is needed.
    You are always in my thoughts, my prayers and my heart Su xxx

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  4. We will my darling but I’m not special R, please don’t say that love. If I was I wouldn’t have spent the last 6 weeks totally alone apart from my Mum and my niece. Not one word from S. It kind of speaks volumes doesn’t it. Her Dad says she hasn’t got one bad word to say about me but still, she’s left my life. I can’t write, talk or blog about it, it’s just finished me on top of everything else. Thank you & remember ALWAYS, I love you xxxxx

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