Tears and Health

For the last several months I’ve had serious issues with pain from my lower back. Actually its pain I’ve had for many years but its got worse recently. It has been diagnosed as spinal arthritis and believe its horendous.

This has caused a tear or two as you can imagine partly due to the pain but more because I have realised that I can’t do what I always have physically and it has had an immense effect on the way I sleep, the length of sleep I’m getting and the quality of sleep I’m getting.

The pain is manageable they tell me. Seems to me all they do is mess around with my medication. More pain relief, less heart medication then more anti-depressants I just wish they’d make their mind up and let me try and get into a routine.

I can’t even sit and draw, something I really enjoy, as my back pain won’t allow me to sit and concentrate on things.

I’ve never been an early bedder or someone that sleeps consistently but this has been crazy. I have already tried to sleep tonight and woke up in pain will try and sleep again after writing this but don’t know if it’ll work or not.

I always try and support my friends in any way I can. Then when I’m feeling like this they decide its time to have to have a dig and make me feel worse. More tears.
They start will you pick up this for me, or take me there, oh yeah and the final slap in the face is when you see they’ve been hurt and you try to support them only to realise when the penny drops that its you their talking about.#

If Karma is real, which I believe it is, I must have been a real b*****d in my last life and earlier in this one. Now I’m getting payback for all of my past badness. Why else would I have this all at the same time as family member’s doing ridiculous criminal acts, guys I’ve known for decades using me with no thought for my feelings etc.

Sorry if this has been a bit of a rant but right I’m hurting so much now that the penny has dropped and I realise how I’m being used and abused with no thought for the way the tears and my health are effecting me.
Then you sit and think all of this over and realise that close family members and friends don’t trust me enough or think enough of me to trust me with their address.

Know what I have a family member who was convicted of looking at child porn on-line, to me the lowest of the low, and he doesn’t want folk knowing he is related to someone like me, he doesn’t trust me with his address or his phone number and I’m definitely not allowed to have an actual conversation with him. That does shows how little folk think of me and what little value others place on my friendship.

Maybe it would be better if I just wasn’t around any more. The world would obviously be a better place when even very close family members have so little trust or thought for me.

Well goning to try and sleep again. I so hope I can because this pain is driving me crazy.

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