Monthly Archives: May 2015

Today and this weekend

Today I attended the funeral of a dear man. David Peter was a real gent. A man that always made me smile. I’ll miss seeing him so much.
Tomorrow its the turn of Georgina Madden a woman who did nothing but think of others. Even when she’d been diagnosed with terminal cancer she did nothing other than care for others.
Two brutal losses and a rough few days for those they both left behind.

Then on Monday I have the funeral of Gordon Wallace a lad I’ve known since school.

I’m not at all surprised folk don’t want to talk with me. It must feelvlike a death sentence.


Head spinning
Arms tingling
Chest tight
Sickness coming

Head uptight
Hands shaking
Anger rising
Self esteem
At zero

Sleep none
Nightmares lots
Sweats all night
Shakes when
I wake

Breathless again
Legs trembling
Chest tightening
Sweat pouring
From every pore

If I was
A horse
They’d shoot me

Family problems

Today I attended my third funeral in as many weeks. Then I have two next week. Think I’m getting old.

Today was so stressful it was the first time in four years I had been in the same room as my step mum. I was ashamed of her. She didn’t even stand as the coffin came into the crematorium. Showing how little respect she has for herself more than anyone else. She could however manage to stand as we left and monopolised every person there as they left. Talk about a narcissistic personality. She couldn’t even pay her respects to a lovely woman without making it about her.

I know it sounds silly but I was so scared today unsure what to expect. It ended ok. No upset for a grieving family to cope with outside the obvious 

I hope I never have to be in her company again.


Courage, some say
Shows in acts of bravery
In fighting adversity
Or in acts of violence
Well they’re all wrong

Real courage is
Walking away from
Acts of violence
Showing compassion to
Those that are struggling

However for me
Those are wrong to
My courage comes in
Going to bed
Knowing nightmares await
Having the courage to
Get up in the morning
Knowing my demons
Are waiting everyday

Another sleepless night

Those demons are in my head
What did I do?
Was anyone hurt?
Why can’t I remember?
Why ain’t I normal?
They circle my mind
Draining all that is me

Then I realise
The demons that
Stop me sleeping
Make me put myself down
Turn self respect into loathing
Just get bigger

They multiply always
Why do I,
Treat folk so badly?
Make others feel bad?
Spout words without meaning?
Causing pain and distress

No wonder sleep will not come
No peace for my mind
The DEMONS are spreading
They’ll take over my being
I’ll end up back in that room
With rubber walls
With the jacket
That only opens from behind

They’re my demons though
Stop them now
Before they gain control
No violence will I do
Nor pain will I cause
I was shown that
I was wrong
Now I change things
Stop being the cause
Of such pain
So never again
Will I be that b*****d

The future may hold
Many more sleepless nights
But the demons
Will stay out of sight

Personality normal or disordered

A long time ago I suffered from a personality disorder.

It came out in memory blanks. Where I couldn’t remember what I’d done. These blanks more often than not were brief but occasionally lasted longer. The longest one I know of lasted 18 hours. Frequently I’d come to and be told of some violent act I’d done. It terrified the life out me. I never knew how any of it started or what I’d done.

Thankfully all of these violent blanks were a long time ago!

However in recent weeks I’ve had burst knuckles and swollen hands twice. I have no idea what caused them on either occasion. I’m so frightened by it all. I’m not the same person I was all those years back when things like this happened on a regular basis but I’m terrified the bust knuckles and swollen hands mean I’m heading back into that dark place where I was a danger to any man I came in contact with.

What to do is the question.

Do I talk to my doctor? Who has always been keen to lock me away. Talk to my psychologist or try and deal with it myself. Hoping I’ve just scraped my knuckles on something and not noticed.

I know these questions can only be answered by me but damn I’m confused, scared and totally messed up right now.