For months now things in my life have been in a state of flux.
In the last few months I’ve attended eight funerals and they’ve not stopped coming yet. On the twenty fourth I’ll attend the ninth. My cousins man has just died. They’ve been making me feel very old. What is it they say about attending more funerals.
However I’ve also attended two weddings in the last week. My youngest daughter was married last weekend and yesterday was my nephew’s big day. Both of these were great days full of love and joy. There is also my sisters wedding to look forward to later in the year.
The final big thing that’s happened is the news I’ve to become a great grandad. My response was I’ve always been a GREAT grandad her her. Joking aside it will be a great start to next year having my first great grandkids.
But all of this does make me feel much older than my fifty six years.
I used to joke that only the good died young. That meant I had decades left but I’m not sure at all now. Last week I spent time in hospital with an angina attack, my copd is getting worse ACH listen to the auld moaner.
It’ll all be good I’m sure.
Today I attended the funeral of a dear man. David Peter was a real gent. A man that always made me smile. I’ll miss seeing him so much.
Tomorrow its the turn of Georgina Madden a woman who did nothing but think of others. Even when she’d been diagnosed with terminal cancer she did nothing other than care for others.
Two brutal losses and a rough few days for those they both left behind.
Then on Monday I have the funeral of Gordon Wallace a lad I’ve known since school.
I’m not at all surprised folk don’t want to talk with me. It must feelvlike a death sentence.
Today I attended my third funeral in as many weeks. Then I have two next week. Think I’m getting old.
Today was so stressful it was the first time in four years I had been in the same room as my step mum. I was ashamed of her. She didn’t even stand as the coffin came into the crematorium. Showing how little respect she has for herself more than anyone else. She could however manage to stand as we left and monopolised every person there as they left. Talk about a narcissistic personality. She couldn’t even pay her respects to a lovely woman without making it about her.
I know it sounds silly but I was so scared today unsure what to expect. It ended ok. No upset for a grieving family to cope with outside the obvious
I hope I never have to be in her company again.
In the last 2 months I’ve been to two funerals. Now a friend is in hospital with terminal cancer and has only days to live. After a long struggle she is losing that fight. Then today I got a phone call to tell me a dear family friend has passed away.
Is this what getting older means?
Anyone who suffers from suicidal thoughts. Will tell you its a constant struggle not to do it.
Everyday I go through the same fight. Why should I not do it today?
I DOUBT folk will understand that every day struggle not to kill to myself. Its weird putting it in print like this. However that’s what I go through daily.
Thankfully I haven’t given in yet but there are days like today when its so bloody hard not to give in and end it all.
When I was put in the mental health unit recently. I thought how dare they!!! Nothing wrong with me now.
I was so wrong. Now at night when sat on my own, being inside my mind is so terrifying. Makes me have dark thoughts.
To start with there are two folk I want to watch die. I want to see them laying there being eaten by our lovely wildlife. Then it would be time for me to leave as the world should not have to have such an evil man in it.
Its shocking to me that 2 men can have such a devastating effect on my life. One from decades ago and one from present day. They deserve to live even less than I do. They will meet the soul gatherer that is my inner being. Very soon.
It all started few weeks back when this copper couldn’t leave things be. Reminding me of who I used to be/am. Pushing and pushing. You can’t be a peace loving Buddhist. Your a thug always were always will be. Then he pushes to hard I snap and my fu****g mind is back in that dark space. Feeling worthless, useless and totally unworthy. Why can a holes do this to me?
Take care all.
What do you do when the terrors of the night start visiting during the day?
They were ok when they came during the night. I had the day to rest and have a mind clear for a few hours. Now they come into my head during the day. When I’m awake. Making it impossible to have a rest from them.
The DARK DARK THOUGHTS
The LACK OF ANY THOUGHTS NOT LINKED TO MY DARK SIDE
I’m not even getting dressed because if I do I can go out and then darkness will reign!
At this point in my life I should be feeling good about myself and have at least some self believe.
I have lost over 3 stone (42lbs) and have cut down from smoking 30 ciggies a day to less than 20 a week, with the aid of a vapour ecig.
So why is it that I feel so worthless?
Sat here at 2 am in tears unable to sleep and feeling really down. Once I’ve finished this I’m going to take a lesson of my best friend and go look at the stars as I walk through the forest with my Katie dog and nothing else.
I don’t understand how the brain/mind works!
This cycle of depression and really nasty thoughts toward myself has been active for most of my 55 years. Seems no matter what I do I am destined to feel worthless and want to harm myself.
I know it sounds self pitying but I’m at my wits end. Sleeping less than 4 hours a night, no energy, no self believe, nothing to justify my existence. Will I ever be NORMAL?
Our lifes make us so dazed
Our past brings much confusion
Let them both in with joy
As they help our minds
Drag us away from the mundane
From those terrors we all suffer from
From the nightmares
From the fear
Oh yeah the fear
Rejection by all
Pain that I deserve
Terrors from the past
Of being unworthy
Of anyone’s attention
Fear and pain
like dazed and confused
They stop me from being normal
From allowing the hurt of others affecting my life
From letting folk in
All my fault
All my past, my pain
My life of solitude
Happy amongst the trees
When its dark
No one can see the tears then
No one can laugh at me
As they all do
Time of quite to consider
How the future will be
If the future will be