Category Archives: me

Life’s ups and downs

For months now things in my life have been in a state of flux.

In the last few months I’ve attended eight funerals and they’ve not stopped coming yet. On the twenty fourth I’ll attend the ninth. My cousins man has just died. They’ve been making me feel very old. What is it they say about attending more funerals.

However I’ve also attended two weddings in the last week. My youngest daughter was married last weekend and yesterday was my nephew’s big day. Both of these were great days full of love and joy. There is also my sisters wedding to look forward to later in the year.

The final big thing that’s happened is the news I’ve to become a great grandad. My response was I’ve always been a GREAT grandad her her. Joking aside it will be a great start to next year having my first great grandkids.

But all of this does make me feel much older than my fifty six years.

I used to joke that only the good died young. That meant I had decades left but I’m not sure at all now. Last week I spent time in hospital with an angina attack, my copd¬† is getting worse ACH listen to the auld moaner.
It’ll all be good I’m sure.

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Today and this weekend

Today I attended the funeral of a dear man. David Peter was a real gent. A man that always made me smile. I’ll miss seeing him so much.
Tomorrow its the turn of Georgina Madden a woman who did nothing but think of others. Even when she’d been diagnosed with terminal cancer she did nothing other than care for others.
Two brutal losses and a rough few days for those they both left behind.

Then on Monday I have the funeral of Gordon Wallace a lad I’ve known since school.

I’m not at all surprised folk don’t want to talk with me. It must feelvlike a death sentence.

Courage

Courage, some say
Shows in acts of bravery
In fighting adversity
Or in acts of violence
Well they’re all wrong

Real courage is
Walking away from
Acts of violence
Showing compassion to
Those that are struggling

However for me
Those are wrong to
My courage comes in
Going to bed
Knowing nightmares await
Having the courage to
Get up in the morning
Knowing my demons
Are waiting everyday

Another sleepless night

Those demons are in my head
What did I do?
Was anyone hurt?
Why can’t I remember?
Why ain’t I normal?
They circle my mind
Draining all that is me

Then I realise
The demons that
Stop me sleeping
Make me put myself down
Turn self respect into loathing
Just get bigger

They multiply always
Why do I,
Treat folk so badly?
Make others feel bad?
Spout words without meaning?
Causing pain and distress

No wonder sleep will not come
No peace for my mind
The DEMONS are spreading
They’ll take over my being
I’ll end up back in that room
With rubber walls
With the jacket
That only opens from behind

They’re my demons though
I CAN CONTROL them
Stop them now
Before they gain control
No violence will I do
Nor pain will I cause
I was shown that
I was wrong
Now I change things
Stop being the cause
Of such pain
So never again
Will I be that b*****d

The future may hold
Many more sleepless nights
But the demons
Will stay out of sight

Personality normal or disordered

A long time ago I suffered from a personality disorder.

It came out in memory blanks. Where I couldn’t remember what I’d done. These blanks more often than not were brief but occasionally lasted longer. The longest one I know of lasted 18 hours. Frequently I’d come to and be told of some violent act I’d done. It terrified the life out me. I never knew how any of it started or what I’d done.

Thankfully all of these violent blanks were a long time ago!

However in recent weeks I’ve had burst knuckles and swollen hands twice. I have no idea what caused them on either occasion. I’m so frightened by it all. I’m not the same person I was all those years back when things like this happened on a regular basis but I’m terrified the bust knuckles and swollen hands mean I’m heading back into that dark place where I was a danger to any man I came in contact with.

What to do is the question.

Do I talk to my doctor? Who has always been keen to lock me away. Talk to my psychologist or try and deal with it myself. Hoping I’ve just scraped my knuckles on something and not noticed.

I know these questions can only be answered by me but damn I’m confused, scared and totally messed up right now.

Today

I visited my sister today on the way through glendevon then part Gleneagles I was driven insane by drivers idling along at less than 20 miles an hour. How do these folk get there driving licence?
Then after arriving at Cathy’s house the serenity and peaceful nature of the landscape chilled me out in minutes. Here are a few pics I took hope they have a calming effect on anyone that sees them.

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Mental health

Anyone who suffers from suicidal thoughts. Will tell you its a constant struggle not to do it.
Everyday I go through the same fight. Why should I not do it today?
I DOUBT folk will understand that every day struggle not to kill to myself. Its weird putting it in print like this. However that’s what I go through daily.

Thankfully I haven’t given in yet but there are days like today when its so bloody hard not to give in and end it all.

Night Terrors

Its the worst feeling ever. Waking up terrified, shaking and not even knowing where you are. Shouting out a name that’s not been relevant in my life for almost 40years.
Why does that evil b*****d still have power over my thoughts and dreams?
I’ve mentioned before that these nights happened. Its ridiculous that memories so old cause so much fear in a mature man, taking me back to being a child so many tears.
Its so f*****g wrong!