This magnolia was given to me, by my best friend, to plant in memory of my Uncle Alex. He was an amazing man who I strive to emulate.
For the last several months I’ve had serious issues with pain from my lower back. Actually its pain I’ve had for many years but its got worse recently. It has been diagnosed as spinal arthritis and believe its horendous.
This has caused a tear or two as you can imagine partly due to the pain but more because I have realised that I can’t do what I always have physically and it has had an immense effect on the way I sleep, the length of sleep I’m getting and the quality of sleep I’m getting.
The pain is manageable they tell me. Seems to me all they do is mess around with my medication. More pain relief, less heart medication then more anti-depressants I just wish they’d make their mind up and let me try and get into a routine.
I can’t even sit and draw, something I really enjoy, as my back pain won’t allow me to sit and concentrate on things.
I’ve never been an early bedder or someone that sleeps consistently but this has been crazy. I have already tried to sleep tonight and woke up in pain will try and sleep again after writing this but don’t know if it’ll work or not.
I always try and support my friends in any way I can. Then when I’m feeling like this they decide its time to have to have a dig and make me feel worse. More tears.
They start will you pick up this for me, or take me there, oh yeah and the final slap in the face is when you see they’ve been hurt and you try to support them only to realise when the penny drops that its you their talking about.#
If Karma is real, which I believe it is, I must have been a real b*****d in my last life and earlier in this one. Now I’m getting payback for all of my past badness. Why else would I have this all at the same time as family member’s doing ridiculous criminal acts, guys I’ve known for decades using me with no thought for my feelings etc.
Sorry if this has been a bit of a rant but right I’m hurting so much now that the penny has dropped and I realise how I’m being used and abused with no thought for the way the tears and my health are effecting me.
Then you sit and think all of this over and realise that close family members and friends don’t trust me enough or think enough of me to trust me with their address.
Know what I have a family member who was convicted of looking at child porn on-line, to me the lowest of the low, and he doesn’t want folk knowing he is related to someone like me, he doesn’t trust me with his address or his phone number and I’m definitely not allowed to have an actual conversation with him. That does shows how little folk think of me and what little value others place on my friendship.
Maybe it would be better if I just wasn’t around any more. The world would obviously be a better place when even very close family members have so little trust or thought for me.
Well goning to try and sleep again. I so hope I can because this pain is driving me crazy.
When I was put in the mental health unit recently. I thought how dare they!!! Nothing wrong with me now.
I was so wrong. Now at night when sat on my own, being inside my mind is so terrifying. Makes me have dark thoughts.
To start with there are two folk I want to watch die. I want to see them laying there being eaten by our lovely wildlife. Then it would be time for me to leave as the world should not have to have such an evil man in it.
Its shocking to me that 2 men can have such a devastating effect on my life. One from decades ago and one from present day. They deserve to live even less than I do. They will meet the soul gatherer that is my inner being. Very soon.
It all started few weeks back when this copper couldn’t leave things be. Reminding me of who I used to be/am. Pushing and pushing. You can’t be a peace loving Buddhist. Your a thug always were always will be. Then he pushes to hard I snap and my fu****g mind is back in that dark space. Feeling worthless, useless and totally unworthy. Why can a holes do this to me?
Take care all.
What do you do when the terrors of the night start visiting during the day?
They were ok when they came during the night. I had the day to rest and have a mind clear for a few hours. Now they come into my head during the day. When I’m awake. Making it impossible to have a rest from them.
The DARK DARK THOUGHTS
The LACK OF ANY THOUGHTS NOT LINKED TO MY DARK SIDE
I’m not even getting dressed because if I do I can go out and then darkness will reign!
Your head starts getting there
Your brain won’t let that happen
Sleep it withholds for many hours
Your thoughts get sharpened
Your brain goes way to fast
You can’t switch it of
Those thoughts of your past
That bring terror so real
Never giving you a second
Just screaming YOUR WORTHLESS
Let it stop please I scream
Mountianous are the strife’s
That entered my life
Struggles were many
Costing many a penny
Then hope did arrive
Less I had to strive
Life did improve
Nothing to lose
The mystic law
Cut stress like a saw
Deep happiness abound
With many a sound
Chanting for me
Left my soul free
Smiles were many
Costing NOT A PENNY