For a while now I’ve been suffering with mental health issues. Things that haven’t happened for thirty year have come back. Meaning that I’ve locked myself away from the world.
Recently however having to attend eight funerals has forced a lot of driving covering a fair distance.
This has had a hidden benefit. Driving and paying attention to the natural world at the same time made me notice a large volume of white flowers around at the moment.
During the last journey it was dark and miserable. Raining real miserable day. I thought on the way to the service it was appropriate weather to hide the tears of the mourners. On the way home however seeing the mass of hawthorn blossom, a flower few folk pay attention to, was like huge lights in the darkness of grief.
Bring the thought that there has to be bright spots in our darkest times or we’d never know what the dark was.
So nature has shown me that I may be in a very dark place just now but I will find the light to end it.
Nature does heal when we least expect it!
Hawthorns have always been one of my favorite trees.
Sweats all night
From every pore
If I was
They’d shoot me
Those demons are in my head
What did I do?
Was anyone hurt?
Why can’t I remember?
Why ain’t I normal?
They circle my mind
Draining all that is me
Then I realise
The demons that
Stop me sleeping
Make me put myself down
Turn self respect into loathing
Just get bigger
They multiply always
Why do I,
Treat folk so badly?
Make others feel bad?
Spout words without meaning?
Causing pain and distress
No wonder sleep will not come
No peace for my mind
The DEMONS are spreading
They’ll take over my being
I’ll end up back in that room
With rubber walls
With the jacket
That only opens from behind
They’re my demons though
I CAN CONTROL them
Stop them now
Before they gain control
No violence will I do
Nor pain will I cause
I was shown that
I was wrong
Now I change things
Stop being the cause
Of such pain
So never again
Will I be that b*****d
The future may hold
Many more sleepless nights
But the demons
Will stay out of sight
A long time ago I suffered from a personality disorder.
It came out in memory blanks. Where I couldn’t remember what I’d done. These blanks more often than not were brief but occasionally lasted longer. The longest one I know of lasted 18 hours. Frequently I’d come to and be told of some violent act I’d done. It terrified the life out me. I never knew how any of it started or what I’d done.
Thankfully all of these violent blanks were a long time ago!
However in recent weeks I’ve had burst knuckles and swollen hands twice. I have no idea what caused them on either occasion. I’m so frightened by it all. I’m not the same person I was all those years back when things like this happened on a regular basis but I’m terrified the bust knuckles and swollen hands mean I’m heading back into that dark place where I was a danger to any man I came in contact with.
What to do is the question.
Do I talk to my doctor? Who has always been keen to lock me away. Talk to my psychologist or try and deal with it myself. Hoping I’ve just scraped my knuckles on something and not noticed.
I know these questions can only be answered by me but damn I’m confused, scared and totally messed up right now.
Today I sat and watched parts of this awesome event.
It got me thinking. We saw so many folk running supporting charities for so many different causes. Can there be any other day in the year when so many give so much of themselves for others.
Normally news media is filled with stories of war, death and misery. Surely there must be stories of giving, humanity or inspiration, like we have today that they could print.
Why don’t they?
Because most folk thrive on negativity. Surely the media could lift the spirit of the entire world. Perhaps even encourage a more giving society by sharing these stories.
I know its a mad thought that’ll never happen because the world is full of to much apathy.
Try and do something positive to help someone!
Anyone who suffers from suicidal thoughts. Will tell you its a constant struggle not to do it.
Everyday I go through the same fight. Why should I not do it today?
I DOUBT folk will understand that every day struggle not to kill to myself. Its weird putting it in print like this. However that’s what I go through daily.
Thankfully I haven’t given in yet but there are days like today when its so bloody hard not to give in and end it all.
Terrors in night
Terrors during the day
Ruling my present
Life ain’t Worth this
Its not worth living
When my mind
Ain’t my own
What’s the point
That is my life
Its the worst feeling ever. Waking up terrified, shaking and not even knowing where you are. Shouting out a name that’s not been relevant in my life for almost 40years.
Why does that evil b*****d still have power over my thoughts and dreams?
I’ve mentioned before that these nights happened. Its ridiculous that memories so old cause so much fear in a mature man, taking me back to being a child so many tears.
Its so f*****g wrong!
Is a two way street.
Last night I blogged about the way I was feeling. Relating to folk in my life. Ninety percent or more of it was about family members who don’t trust me in any way.
One person saw the tiny part that was about them and said ‘if you don’t like it you know what you can do’
Well I do I can cut out so called family that continue to destroy me mentally. I can stop supporting folk that use me continually then turn their back on me. I can realise that those who try n keep me rooted in the past and not see the changes I’ve made are only making things worse.
When you hear or read something that might refer to you. Try reading all the other stuff that is there as well and take responsibility for you part in that. That part goes for me to. I need to take responsibility for my actions and recognize the changes I’ve made and make sure I stay changed and don’t let others drag me back to my part behaviour.
I won’t be around online for a while folks I need to work out why people treat me the way they do! MOSTLY FAMILY MEMBERS it has to be said.