For months now things in my life have been in a state of flux.
In the last few months I’ve attended eight funerals and they’ve not stopped coming yet. On the twenty fourth I’ll attend the ninth. My cousins man has just died. They’ve been making me feel very old. What is it they say about attending more funerals.
However I’ve also attended two weddings in the last week. My youngest daughter was married last weekend and yesterday was my nephew’s big day. Both of these were great days full of love and joy. There is also my sisters wedding to look forward to later in the year.
The final big thing that’s happened is the news I’ve to become a great grandad. My response was I’ve always been a GREAT grandad her her. Joking aside it will be a great start to next year having my first great grandkids.
But all of this does make me feel much older than my fifty six years.
I used to joke that only the good died young. That meant I had decades left but I’m not sure at all now. Last week I spent time in hospital with an angina attack, my copd is getting worse ACH listen to the auld moaner.
It’ll all be good I’m sure.
For a while now I’ve been suffering with mental health issues. Things that haven’t happened for thirty year have come back. Meaning that I’ve locked myself away from the world.
Recently however having to attend eight funerals has forced a lot of driving covering a fair distance.
This has had a hidden benefit. Driving and paying attention to the natural world at the same time made me notice a large volume of white flowers around at the moment.
During the last journey it was dark and miserable. Raining real miserable day. I thought on the way to the service it was appropriate weather to hide the tears of the mourners. On the way home however seeing the mass of hawthorn blossom, a flower few folk pay attention to, was like huge lights in the darkness of grief.
Bring the thought that there has to be bright spots in our darkest times or we’d never know what the dark was.
So nature has shown me that I may be in a very dark place just now but I will find the light to end it.
Nature does heal when we least expect it!
Hawthorns have always been one of my favorite trees.
Sweats all night
From every pore
If I was
They’d shoot me
A long time ago I suffered from a personality disorder.
It came out in memory blanks. Where I couldn’t remember what I’d done. These blanks more often than not were brief but occasionally lasted longer. The longest one I know of lasted 18 hours. Frequently I’d come to and be told of some violent act I’d done. It terrified the life out me. I never knew how any of it started or what I’d done.
Thankfully all of these violent blanks were a long time ago!
However in recent weeks I’ve had burst knuckles and swollen hands twice. I have no idea what caused them on either occasion. I’m so frightened by it all. I’m not the same person I was all those years back when things like this happened on a regular basis but I’m terrified the bust knuckles and swollen hands mean I’m heading back into that dark place where I was a danger to any man I came in contact with.
What to do is the question.
Do I talk to my doctor? Who has always been keen to lock me away. Talk to my psychologist or try and deal with it myself. Hoping I’ve just scraped my knuckles on something and not noticed.
I know these questions can only be answered by me but damn I’m confused, scared and totally messed up right now.
My health has been a bit dodgey for a year or two. However what has happened over the last few weeks has really got me concerned.
The left side of my triple chin, lol, and my left breast are quite swollen. I’ve been coughing up blood and been unable to sleep.
I know I need to see my doctor but damn I’m scared. Thought the swelling would start going down on its own but that is not happening. So will need to visit the doc over the next day or two.