Category Archives: personal

Life

Is to short to
Worry about things You can’t change
Stress over your Past life or mistakes
If YOU decide life will be better
Then it will be for you
If not
Change things you can to improve it
No point worrying bout the rest
Cause you can’t change anything
OTHER THAN YOURSELF.

Life’s ups and downs

For months now things in my life have been in a state of flux.

In the last few months I’ve attended eight funerals and they’ve not stopped coming yet. On the twenty fourth I’ll attend the ninth. My cousins man has just died. They’ve been making me feel very old. What is it they say about attending more funerals.

However I’ve also attended two weddings in the last week. My youngest daughter was married last weekend and yesterday was my nephew’s big day. Both of these were great days full of love and joy. There is also my sisters wedding to look forward to later in the year.

The final big thing that’s happened is the news I’ve to become a great grandad. My response was I’ve always been a GREAT grandad her her. Joking aside it will be a great start to next year having my first great grandkids.

But all of this does make me feel much older than my fifty six years.

I used to joke that only the good died young. That meant I had decades left but I’m not sure at all now. Last week I spent time in hospital with an angina attack, my copd¬† is getting worse ACH listen to the auld moaner.
It’ll all be good I’m sure.

Natures healing power

For a while now I’ve been suffering with mental health issues. Things that haven’t happened for thirty year have come back. Meaning that I’ve locked myself away from the world.
Recently however having to attend eight funerals has forced a lot of driving covering a fair distance.

This has had a hidden benefit. Driving and paying attention to the natural world at the same time made me notice a large volume of white flowers around at the moment.
During the last journey it was dark and miserable. Raining real miserable day. I thought on the way to the service it was appropriate weather to hide the tears of the mourners. On the way home however seeing the mass of hawthorn blossom, a flower few folk pay attention to, was like huge lights in the darkness of grief.

Bring the thought that there has to be bright spots in our darkest times or we’d never know what the dark was.

So nature has shown me that I may be in a very dark place just now but I will find the light to end it.

Nature does heal when we least expect it!

Hawthorns have always been one of my favorite trees.

Katie dog

Things keep getting worse. Now my lovely dog Katie is so unwell. She is being sick every where , she can hardly stand up , her back legs are barely holding her up.
I know she’s 15 year old and getting old but its breaking my heart seeing her like this. She can’t even take her medication.
Vets first thing and lots of chanting and prayers tonight.

Getting old

In the last 2 months I’ve been to two funerals. Now a friend is in hospital with terminal cancer and has only days to live. After a long struggle she is losing that fight. Then today I got a phone call to tell me a dear family friend has passed away.

Is this what getting older means?

Struggle

Once you’ve share your life with an abusive person. It sets your mind to keep folk at arms length.
The theory being if they don’t get close they can’t hurt you.
Then you realise that your missing out on so much. You don’t know the feeling of friendship or love from anyone. You always believe what that abusive person said, your worthless or why would anyone want to know you?
Then you retreat further into yourself.
Never realising that the person your hurting most is no one but yourself!
So if you find someone who genuinely cares for you. Those words showing they care never stay in your mind because you don’t believe them. Not that you think the other person is lying you just think they’re being nice or polite.

So please be careful folks and try keeping an open mind or you might lose someone really special.

Night Terrors

Its the worst feeling ever. Waking up terrified, shaking and not even knowing where you are. Shouting out a name that’s not been relevant in my life for almost 40years.
Why does that evil b*****d still have power over my thoughts and dreams?
I’ve mentioned before that these nights happened. Its ridiculous that memories so old cause so much fear in a mature man, taking me back to being a child so many tears.
Its so f*****g wrong!

Shame

Comes in many forms

Almost all created by US

Our youthful actions

Come back to haunt us

Our lies,

That we all tell from time to time

Actions done to us by others

Drunken mistakes

Or just a nasty personality

We’d rather forget

No matter what

They will stay in our minds

For ever

We can regret our past

We can try to rectify things

By creating positive vibes

In our present

But we can never forget

Those shameful acts

Of our past

The hardest part

Of feeling shame

Is the knowledge

That it was our actions

That caused OUR shame

The hardest part

Is when others

Refuse to let us rectify our shameful acts

So before you do anything

Think it through

Imagine your future self

Will they be ashamed of your actions?

We all have shame maybe from

Misspent youths

Lies told, we all do it

Others we’ve hurt

Or mistakes in life that

We wish could be taken back

However SHAME

Will stay in our minds

Always

Car park

I’ve been sat in this car park for the best part of three hrs. I came prepared mind brought my book, got my phone, plenty music and my sketch pad.
I can only sit here and think though. Of that friendship lost, what happened, how did it all get so messed up?
Most folk will be thinking well do something about it!
To stubborn, to old and to certain of the response is the problem.
The scary thing being I don’t know what happened. I doubt my friend does but neither of us are prepared to do something.

It breaks my heart! I spend most of every day trying to work out a way to fix this but I’m so certain she doesn’t want it to be fixed I give up before I start.
Shows how little self believe I have and how much more she is worth.