Category Archives: rant

Health

Head spinning
Arms tingling
Chest tight
Sickness coming

Head uptight
Hands shaking
Anger rising
Self esteem
At zero

Sleep none
Nightmares lots
Sweats all night
Shakes when
I wake

Breathless again
Legs trembling
Chest tightening
Sweat pouring
From every pore

If I was
A horse
They’d shoot me

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Another sleepless night

Those demons are in my head
What did I do?
Was anyone hurt?
Why can’t I remember?
Why ain’t I normal?
They circle my mind
Draining all that is me

Then I realise
The demons that
Stop me sleeping
Make me put myself down
Turn self respect into loathing
Just get bigger

They multiply always
Why do I,
Treat folk so badly?
Make others feel bad?
Spout words without meaning?
Causing pain and distress

No wonder sleep will not come
No peace for my mind
The DEMONS are spreading
They’ll take over my being
I’ll end up back in that room
With rubber walls
With the jacket
That only opens from behind

They’re my demons though
I CAN CONTROL them
Stop them now
Before they gain control
No violence will I do
Nor pain will I cause
I was shown that
I was wrong
Now I change things
Stop being the cause
Of such pain
So never again
Will I be that b*****d

The future may hold
Many more sleepless nights
But the demons
Will stay out of sight

Personality normal or disordered

A long time ago I suffered from a personality disorder.

It came out in memory blanks. Where I couldn’t remember what I’d done. These blanks more often than not were brief but occasionally lasted longer. The longest one I know of lasted 18 hours. Frequently I’d come to and be told of some violent act I’d done. It terrified the life out me. I never knew how any of it started or what I’d done.

Thankfully all of these violent blanks were a long time ago!

However in recent weeks I’ve had burst knuckles and swollen hands twice. I have no idea what caused them on either occasion. I’m so frightened by it all. I’m not the same person I was all those years back when things like this happened on a regular basis but I’m terrified the bust knuckles and swollen hands mean I’m heading back into that dark place where I was a danger to any man I came in contact with.

What to do is the question.

Do I talk to my doctor? Who has always been keen to lock me away. Talk to my psychologist or try and deal with it myself. Hoping I’ve just scraped my knuckles on something and not noticed.

I know these questions can only be answered by me but damn I’m confused, scared and totally messed up right now.

Today

I visited my sister today on the way through glendevon then part Gleneagles I was driven insane by drivers idling along at less than 20 miles an hour. How do these folk get there driving licence?
Then after arriving at Cathy’s house the serenity and peaceful nature of the landscape chilled me out in minutes. Here are a few pics I took hope they have a calming effect on anyone that sees them.

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Struggle

Once you’ve share your life with an abusive person. It sets your mind to keep folk at arms length.
The theory being if they don’t get close they can’t hurt you.
Then you realise that your missing out on so much. You don’t know the feeling of friendship or love from anyone. You always believe what that abusive person said, your worthless or why would anyone want to know you?
Then you retreat further into yourself.
Never realising that the person your hurting most is no one but yourself!
So if you find someone who genuinely cares for you. Those words showing they care never stay in your mind because you don’t believe them. Not that you think the other person is lying you just think they’re being nice or polite.

So please be careful folks and try keeping an open mind or you might lose someone really special.

Night Terrors

Its the worst feeling ever. Waking up terrified, shaking and not even knowing where you are. Shouting out a name that’s not been relevant in my life for almost 40years.
Why does that evil b*****d still have power over my thoughts and dreams?
I’ve mentioned before that these nights happened. Its ridiculous that memories so old cause so much fear in a mature man, taking me back to being a child so many tears.
Its so f*****g wrong!

Final thought

A while back my best friend told me ‘if people can’t see your not that person anymore then that’s their problem’
So its time to take that advice if they can’t see I’m not that person anymore then that’s their problem and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Responsibility

Is a two way street.

Last night I blogged about the way I was feeling. Relating to folk in my life. Ninety percent or more of it was about family members who don’t trust me in any way.
One person saw the tiny part that was about them and said ‘if you don’t like it you know what you can do’ 
Well I do I can cut out so called family that continue to destroy me mentally. I can stop supporting folk that use me continually then turn their back on me. I can realise that those who try n keep me rooted in the past and not see the changes I’ve made are only making things worse.
When you hear or read something that might refer to you. Try reading all the other stuff that is there as well and take responsibility for you part in that. That part goes for me to. I need to take responsibility for my actions and recognize the changes I’ve made and make sure I stay changed and don’t let others drag me back to my part behaviour.

I won’t be around online for a while folks I need to work out why people treat me the way they do! MOSTLY FAMILY MEMBERS it has to be said.

Tears and Health

For the last several months I’ve had serious issues with pain from my lower back. Actually its pain I’ve had for many years but its got worse recently. It has been diagnosed as spinal arthritis and believe its horendous.

This has caused a tear or two as you can imagine partly due to the pain but more because I have realised that I can’t do what I always have physically and it has had an immense effect on the way I sleep, the length of sleep I’m getting and the quality of sleep I’m getting.

The pain is manageable they tell me. Seems to me all they do is mess around with my medication. More pain relief, less heart medication then more anti-depressants I just wish they’d make their mind up and let me try and get into a routine.

I can’t even sit and draw, something I really enjoy, as my back pain won’t allow me to sit and concentrate on things.

I’ve never been an early bedder or someone that sleeps consistently but this has been crazy. I have already tried to sleep tonight and woke up in pain will try and sleep again after writing this but don’t know if it’ll work or not.

I always try and support my friends in any way I can. Then when I’m feeling like this they decide its time to have to have a dig and make me feel worse. More tears.
They start will you pick up this for me, or take me there, oh yeah and the final slap in the face is when you see they’ve been hurt and you try to support them only to realise when the penny drops that its you their talking about.#

If Karma is real, which I believe it is, I must have been a real b*****d in my last life and earlier in this one. Now I’m getting payback for all of my past badness. Why else would I have this all at the same time as family member’s doing ridiculous criminal acts, guys I’ve known for decades using me with no thought for my feelings etc.

Sorry if this has been a bit of a rant but right I’m hurting so much now that the penny has dropped and I realise how I’m being used and abused with no thought for the way the tears and my health are effecting me.
Then you sit and think all of this over and realise that close family members and friends don’t trust me enough or think enough of me to trust me with their address.

Know what I have a family member who was convicted of looking at child porn on-line, to me the lowest of the low, and he doesn’t want folk knowing he is related to someone like me, he doesn’t trust me with his address or his phone number and I’m definitely not allowed to have an actual conversation with him. That does shows how little folk think of me and what little value others place on my friendship.

Maybe it would be better if I just wasn’t around any more. The world would obviously be a better place when even very close family members have so little trust or thought for me.

Well goning to try and sleep again. I so hope I can because this pain is driving me crazy.