Category Archives: rant

Terrors of the night 2

What do you do when the terrors of the night start visiting during the day?

They were ok when they came during the night. I had the day to rest and have a mind clear for a few hours. Now they come into my head during the day. When I’m awake. Making it impossible to have a rest from them.
The TEARS
The FEAR
The SHAKE’S
The TREMORS
The DARK DARK THOUGHTS
The LACK OF ANY THOUGHTS NOT LINKED TO MY DARK SIDE

I’m not even getting dressed because if I do I can go out and then darkness will reign!

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Our self believe

At this point in my life I should be feeling good about myself and have at least some self believe.

I have lost over 3 stone (42lbs) and have cut down from smoking 30 ciggies a day to less than 20 a week, with the aid of a vapour ecig.

So why is it that I feel so worthless?

Sat here at 2 am in tears unable to sleep and feeling really down. Once I’ve finished this I’m going to take a lesson of my best friend and go look at the stars as I walk through the forest with my Katie dog and nothing else.

I don’t understand how the brain/mind works!
This cycle of depression and really nasty thoughts toward myself has been active for most of my 55 years. Seems no matter what I do I am destined to feel worthless and want to harm myself.

 

I know it sounds self pitying but I’m at my wits end. Sleeping less than 4 hours a night, no energy, no self believe, nothing to justify my existence. Will I ever be NORMAL?

What doc’s say

I had a long appointment with my psychologist. We chatted for a long time about how this time of year is bad for me.
I really don’t like celebrating my birthday because just after that is the anniversary of my mum’s death. My birthday reminds me of that time and my mood gets very low often suicidal.

Seemingly I am dissassociative. It started when mum died. Then when I was treated differently from the other kids that were with the same foster parents.
I wouldn’t call my foster mother mum. In my mind my mum had died and no one was going to replace her.
Seemingly that means that I always see myself as the outsider and never think anyone will want me as a friend.

I’m not sure how I feel about this. Still trying to get my head round it all.

Weird

As you can see from my previous blog. Things are OK not great but ok. I am missing my best friend though.

The weird thing being my head is so messed up. 

I know there are folk really suffering and I have nothing to complain about!!!!!!!!!!

However I’ve stopped taking my medication, I’m spending more and more time in the forest on my own, not even taking my dog with me, just sitting there looking over the cliff towards Perthshire. I can’t settle to anything, stopped reading, stopped writing really, haven’t cut my grass this year at all really well twice. 
I don’t get the way my head works! This is all down to me no one else but I don’t understand it at all. Why can’t I act like a normal man? Why does everything seem to be such a struggle and cause so much stress? 

I couldn’t even do what was right if it was explained to me in basic terms with diagrams. 
I continually make the wrong decisions, say the wrong thing then regret it and end up alone going over everything in my mind and making things so much worse.

 

What do I do? How can I stop acting like this?

I’m even trying to stop smoking at a time when I’m not taking my heart medication. Weird sad auld man.

Dazed and Confused thoughts

Our lifes make us so dazed
Our past brings much confusion
Let them both in with joy
As they help our minds
Drag us away from the mundane
From those terrors we all suffer from
From the nightmares
From the fear
Oh yeah the fear
Of
Rejection by all
Pain that I deserve
Terrors from the past
Of being unworthy
Of anyone’s attention

Fear and pain
Go together
like dazed and confused
They stop me from being normal
From allowing the hurt of others affecting my life
From letting folk in
All my fault
All my past, my pain
My life of solitude
Happy amongst the trees
When its dark
No one can see the tears then
No one can laugh at me
As they all do
Time of quite to consider
How the future will be
If the future will be

In my sleep

I see them
The horrors
Of my past
The ghosts
Come to say
We were right
Your worthless
Never amount to anything

Ghosts of the present
Say we don’t want you
We have no use for you
Why would we talk to
The likes of you?

No one will ever care for me
No one will ever love me
Never will I be wanted
Never will I be free
From pain
From fear
From wanting to die

Waking up terror filled heart
Eyes streaming
Mind stuck in
The horror of my sleep

Mind clears eventually
The truth sinks in
The ghosts of my sleep
SPEAK THE TRUTH

FEAR

Life is ruled by it
Am I frightened one
Or the one
Who is feared

I’m always scared
I wake with
My inside’s trembling
Covered in sweat
Tears in my eyes

I’m the frightened one
Always have been
Since childhood
Frightened to stay home
Frightened to go to school
Frightened to go out
So I hid in the forest
It was best in the dark
No one could see ME

I still hide, From everything
That scares me
Not in the forest, much
In my house mostly

Hiding so the pain
Doesn’t get to me
The fear
Has to be kept away
I hate being frightened
I’m always frightened
I’m just a childish wee scared kid

Time of year

I don’t know about anyone else but there are certain times of year that really get to me.
Christmas is one, April 1st is another that would have been my Mum’s birthday and then there’s the lead up to my birthday and the hellish weeks straight after leading to the anniversary of Mum’s death.
This might seem strange to you but these times of year I get really down and on occasion suicidal.

When you think I turned 55yr old yesterday. Why does events over 40yr old still effect me in this way? The simple answer is. I don’t know!
What I do know is I’ve spent more than half of my life wishing or wanting to be dead.

Over the last few weeks, as I always do, I’ve been thinking over my life.
The result of this has been as usual that I hurt to many people. However then my thoughts moved onto what folk think of me.
As I mentioned earlier it was my birthday recently and not one person visited. When you think I hate 6 kids and 8 grand kids that says so much. How can I expect anyone to feel anything other than hate for me if my own kids and grand kids don’t care?

Then I started thinking about how long I’ve been suicidal in my life. In the past I have tried to kill myself but never succeeded. Now I wish I had!!!!!
How long can anyone feel they don’t deserve to live in their life?
I have felt that way for way to long!!! Its time to put an end to those feelings. I’m so fed up with the continual fight to not kill myself. I’m fed up hurting others then no one caring about me. I suppose if, like me, you hurt folk. You can’t expect them to care.
SORRY BUT I CAN’T FIGHT ANYMORE.
I give in!
Time to stop the world and get of. Time to stop all this crap in my head. The continual fight against a past I can’t change. The fight to stop my mind dragging me back to that place where I did nothing but where my life stopped.
Time to rest.
Time to hold my hands up and say enough. I won’t let this keep going.
Time to allow my mind to rest!
To let mind relax, something that’s not been possible for so long.
Time to see if heaven or in my case hell is real.
Time to stop fighting!!!!
I give in!
The bastard’s from my past were right I deserve nothing less than eternity in hell.