At this point in my life I should be feeling good about myself and have at least some self believe.
I have lost over 3 stone (42lbs) and have cut down from smoking 30 ciggies a day to less than 20 a week, with the aid of a vapour ecig.
So why is it that I feel so worthless?
Sat here at 2 am in tears unable to sleep and feeling really down. Once I’ve finished this I’m going to take a lesson of my best friend and go look at the stars as I walk through the forest with my Katie dog and nothing else.
I don’t understand how the brain/mind works! This cycle of depression and really nasty thoughts toward myself has been active for most of my 55 years. Seems no matter what I do I am destined to feel worthless and want to harm myself.
I know it sounds self pitying but I’m at my wits end. Sleeping less than 4 hours a night, no energy, no self believe, nothing to justify my existence. Will I ever be NORMAL?
When your abused as a child, I don’t think the type of abuse is relevant. You learn very early on that the secret must be kept. No one can know your dirty little secret and this continues into adulthood. What this learns you is how to lie. You have to keep that secret so no one see’s you in your real form. The you that is dirty and filthy that no one will believe or trust.
So when that abused child becomes an adult lying by that stage has such second nature that you continue to do it. Believing that if you don’t those who are blind enough to be your friend will see that real person you may have spent decades hiding. Then they’d run a mile. Why would they like someone who, like you, allowed those things to happen? They wouldn’t that is what your mind tells you and that is why you continue to lie. You continue to hide the real you.
What you fail to realise is- Those who do love you or care for you. WILL UNDERSTAND!
Your past won’t let you believe that. You’ve been well trained. You know, because your abuser told you enough times, if you tell them. You’ll be taken away. You’ll be put where all the bad boys go and no one will ever visit you there because your dirty and asked for it all to happen. You led your abuser on. If you’d been a good, clean wee boy then he would never have noticed you.
Then as an adult you hurt those who mean the most to you because you lie to them. You hide YOU. Then they find out what you’ve done, lied to them. They may understand what abuse you suffered and the effects that had on you. They will never understand why you lied, why you could never trust anyone.
So please if your reading this and have suffered abuse. Don’t do what I did and ruin a great relationship. The best I could ever have had with lies.
Trust those you can see love you and be truthful with them always!
Anyone who has suffered abuse knows this to be true!!!
When there are demons in your past. Abuse from anyone.
This alters the way we deal with difficult situation.
Take myself. After the abuse I suffered as a kid means that now. If anyone says something I feel is negative about me.
The important thing is I FEEL or perhaps in my mind.
I rarely argue about it, or say anything. What I do is run, hide away from everyone and tell myself it proves what my abuser said ie I’m worthless.
No doubt anyone else would react in a different way.
Anyone who has been abused will have demons that are personal to them. Some may become addicted to various substances, some will throw up a huge wall and ignore the world when they feel wronged, some will perhaps not let someone they’re talking to finish. Then as they heard part of what was being said, they will go of on a rant perhaps losing a friend because of it.
Then others may have demons that prevent them from becoming involved in any relationships at all.
Some may become players using their past to excuse bad behaviour. My brother is an extreme example of this type of demon.
I suppose what I’m saying is
If you are friends with or know someone who was in an abusive relationship of any kind give them some leeway in difficult situations.
Don’t excuse that behaviour but think is it a demon from the past that’s causing their behaviour.
Our lifes make us so dazed
Our past brings much confusion
Let them both in with joy
As they help our minds
Drag us away from the mundane
From those terrors we all suffer from
From the nightmares
From the fear
Oh yeah the fear
Rejection by all
Pain that I deserve
Terrors from the past
Of being unworthy
Of anyone’s attention
Fear and pain
like dazed and confused
They stop me from being normal
From allowing the hurt of others affecting my life
From letting folk in
All my fault
All my past, my pain
My life of solitude
Happy amongst the trees
When its dark
No one can see the tears then
No one can laugh at me
As they all do
Time of quite to consider
How the future will be
If the future will be
I don’t know about anyone else but there are certain times of year that really get to me.
Christmas is one, April 1st is another that would have been my Mum’s birthday and then there’s the lead up to my birthday and the hellish weeks straight after leading to the anniversary of Mum’s death.
This might seem strange to you but these times of year I get really down and on occasion suicidal.
When you think I turned 55yr old yesterday. Why does events over 40yr old still effect me in this way? The simple answer is. I don’t know!
What I do know is I’ve spent more than half of my life wishing or wanting to be dead.
Over the last few weeks, as I always do, I’ve been thinking over my life.
The result of this has been as usual that I hurt to many people. However then my thoughts moved onto what folk think of me.
As I mentioned earlier it was my birthday recently and not one person visited. When you think I hate 6 kids and 8 grand kids that says so much. How can I expect anyone to feel anything other than hate for me if my own kids and grand kids don’t care?
Then I started thinking about how long I’ve been suicidal in my life. In the past I have tried to kill myself but never succeeded. Now I wish I had!!!!!
How long can anyone feel they don’t deserve to live in their life?
I have felt that way for way to long!!! Its time to put an end to those feelings. I’m so fed up with the continual fight to not kill myself. I’m fed up hurting others then no one caring about me. I suppose if, like me, you hurt folk. You can’t expect them to care.
SORRY BUT I CAN’T FIGHT ANYMORE.
I give in!
Time to stop the world and get of. Time to stop all this crap in my head. The continual fight against a past I can’t change. The fight to stop my mind dragging me back to that place where I did nothing but where my life stopped.
Time to rest.
Time to hold my hands up and say enough. I won’t let this keep going.
Time to allow my mind to rest!
To let mind relax, something that’s not been possible for so long.
Time to see if heaven or in my case hell is real.
Time to stop fighting!!!!
I give in!
The bastard’s from my past were right I deserve nothing less than eternity in hell.
As someone with an interest in the care system in the UK. So when there’s a tv programme about it. I watch with great interest.
The programme’s they show only ever show half the story. They show the joy of parents receiving newly adopted children, they show part of the process. Even children looking for adoptive parents.
What they don’t show are the number of siblings that social services split up. Not only are they split on numerous occasions they’re split never to see each other again.
Not only is this wrong its should be against all social services stand for.
There so called caring professional’s should be ensuring that all kids in they’re care are looked after, they should be giving them the information to maintain contact with their siblings. Even if that’s decades later.
Not only is it the right thing for them to do. Morally, ethically in everyway. In my opinion it should also be the legal thing to do.
Why is it not?
It would have the added benefit of saving huge amounts on the mental health budgets in later years. As like me kids losing siblings spend so much time in years later trying to sort out our mental health.