Category Archives: tears

Terrors of the night 2

What do you do when the terrors of the night start visiting during the day?

They were ok when they came during the night. I had the day to rest and have a mind clear for a few hours. Now they come into my head during the day. When I’m awake. Making it impossible to have a rest from them.
The TEARS
The FEAR
The SHAKE’S
The TREMORS
The DARK DARK THOUGHTS
The LACK OF ANY THOUGHTS NOT LINKED TO MY DARK SIDE

I’m not even getting dressed because if I do I can go out and then darkness will reign!

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Terrors of the night

They jump into your mind

Making you tremble, shake n cry

Normal reason goes blind

Not due to tears

Due to your messed up Mind

Your inability to be normal

Thoughts of death, not normal

Thoughts of running, to the wilds

Not normal!!!!

I am never normal

Never going to be

Never good enough 

Never NEVER 

Our self believe

At this point in my life I should be feeling good about myself and have at least some self believe.

I have lost over 3 stone (42lbs) and have cut down from smoking 30 ciggies a day to less than 20 a week, with the aid of a vapour ecig.

So why is it that I feel so worthless?

Sat here at 2 am in tears unable to sleep and feeling really down. Once I’ve finished this I’m going to take a lesson of my best friend and go look at the stars as I walk through the forest with my Katie dog and nothing else.

I don’t understand how the brain/mind works!
This cycle of depression and really nasty thoughts toward myself has been active for most of my 55 years. Seems no matter what I do I am destined to feel worthless and want to harm myself.

 

I know it sounds self pitying but I’m at my wits end. Sleeping less than 4 hours a night, no energy, no self believe, nothing to justify my existence. Will I ever be NORMAL?

Hidden effects of child abuse

When your abused as a child, I don’t think the type of abuse is relevant. You learn very early on that the secret must be kept. No one can know your dirty little secret and this continues into adulthood. 
What this learns you is how to lie. You have to keep that secret so no one see’s you in your real form. The you that is dirty and filthy that no one will believe or trust.

So when that abused child becomes an adult lying by that stage has such second nature that you continue to do it. Believing that if you don’t those who are blind enough to be your friend will see that real person you may have spent decades hiding. Then they’d run a mile. Why would they like someone who, like you, allowed those things to happen? 
They wouldn’t that is what your mind tells you and that is why you continue to lie. You continue to hide the real you.

What you fail to realise is-
Those who do love you or care for you. WILL UNDERSTAND!

Your past won’t let you believe that. You’ve been well trained. You know, because your abuser told you enough times, if you tell them. You’ll be taken away. You’ll be put where all the bad boys go and no one will ever visit you there because your dirty and asked for it all to happen. You led your abuser on. If you’d been a good, clean wee boy then he would never have noticed you.

Then as an adult you hurt those who mean the most to you because you lie to them. You hide YOU. Then they find out what you’ve done, lied to them. They may understand what abuse you suffered and the effects that had on you. They will never understand why you lied, why you could never trust anyone. 

So please if your reading this and have suffered abuse. Don’t do what I did and ruin a great relationship. The best I could ever have had with lies.

Trust those you can see love you and be truthful with them always!

What doc’s say

I had a long appointment with my psychologist. We chatted for a long time about how this time of year is bad for me.
I really don’t like celebrating my birthday because just after that is the anniversary of my mum’s death. My birthday reminds me of that time and my mood gets very low often suicidal.

Seemingly I am dissassociative. It started when mum died. Then when I was treated differently from the other kids that were with the same foster parents.
I wouldn’t call my foster mother mum. In my mind my mum had died and no one was going to replace her.
Seemingly that means that I always see myself as the outsider and never think anyone will want me as a friend.

I’m not sure how I feel about this. Still trying to get my head round it all.

Weird

As you can see from my previous blog. Things are OK not great but ok. I am missing my best friend though.

The weird thing being my head is so messed up. 

I know there are folk really suffering and I have nothing to complain about!!!!!!!!!!

However I’ve stopped taking my medication, I’m spending more and more time in the forest on my own, not even taking my dog with me, just sitting there looking over the cliff towards Perthshire. I can’t settle to anything, stopped reading, stopped writing really, haven’t cut my grass this year at all really well twice. 
I don’t get the way my head works! This is all down to me no one else but I don’t understand it at all. Why can’t I act like a normal man? Why does everything seem to be such a struggle and cause so much stress? 

I couldn’t even do what was right if it was explained to me in basic terms with diagrams. 
I continually make the wrong decisions, say the wrong thing then regret it and end up alone going over everything in my mind and making things so much worse.

 

What do I do? How can I stop acting like this?

I’m even trying to stop smoking at a time when I’m not taking my heart medication. Weird sad auld man.

Demons

When there are demons in your past. Abuse from anyone.
This alters the way we deal with difficult situation.

Take myself. After the abuse I suffered as a kid means that now. If anyone says something I feel is negative about me.
The important thing is I FEEL or perhaps in my mind.
I rarely argue about it, or say anything. What I do is run, hide away from everyone and tell myself it proves what my abuser said ie I’m worthless.

No doubt anyone else would react in a different way.

Anyone who has been abused will have demons that are personal to them. Some may become addicted to various substances, some will throw up a huge wall and ignore the world when they feel wronged, some will perhaps not let someone they’re talking to finish. Then as they heard part of what was being said, they will go of on a rant perhaps losing a friend because of it.
Then others may have demons that prevent them from becoming involved in any relationships at all.
Some may become players using their past to excuse bad behaviour. My brother is an extreme example of this type of demon.

I suppose what I’m saying is
If you are friends with or know someone who was in an abusive relationship of any kind give them some leeway in difficult situations.
Don’t excuse that behaviour but think is it a demon from the past that’s causing their behaviour.

Dazed and Confused thoughts

Our lifes make us so dazed
Our past brings much confusion
Let them both in with joy
As they help our minds
Drag us away from the mundane
From those terrors we all suffer from
From the nightmares
From the fear
Oh yeah the fear
Of
Rejection by all
Pain that I deserve
Terrors from the past
Of being unworthy
Of anyone’s attention

Fear and pain
Go together
like dazed and confused
They stop me from being normal
From allowing the hurt of others affecting my life
From letting folk in
All my fault
All my past, my pain
My life of solitude
Happy amongst the trees
When its dark
No one can see the tears then
No one can laugh at me
As they all do
Time of quite to consider
How the future will be
If the future will be