Category Archives: unbelievable

Our self believe

At this point in my life I should be feeling good about myself and have at least some self believe.

I have lost over 3 stone (42lbs) and have cut down from smoking 30 ciggies a day to less than 20 a week, with the aid of a vapour ecig.

So why is it that I feel so worthless?

Sat here at 2 am in tears unable to sleep and feeling really down. Once I’ve finished this I’m going to take a lesson of my best friend and go look at the stars as I walk through the forest with my Katie dog and nothing else.

I don’t understand how the brain/mind works!
This cycle of depression and really nasty thoughts toward myself has been active for most of my 55 years. Seems no matter what I do I am destined to feel worthless and want to harm myself.


I know it sounds self pitying but I’m at my wits end. Sleeping less than 4 hours a night, no energy, no self believe, nothing to justify my existence. Will I ever be NORMAL?

Adoption and tv

As someone with an interest in the care system in the UK. So when there’s a tv programme about it. I watch with great interest.

The programme’s they show only ever show half the story. They show the joy of parents receiving newly adopted children, they show part of the process. Even children looking for adoptive parents.

What they don’t show are the number of siblings that social services split up. Not only are they split on numerous occasions they’re split never to see each other again.

Not only is this wrong its should be against all social services stand for.
There so called caring professional’s should be ensuring that all kids in they’re care are looked after, they should be giving them the information to maintain contact with their siblings. Even if that’s decades later.

Not only is it the right thing for them to do. Morally, ethically in everyway. In my opinion it should also be the legal thing to do.
Why is it not?

It would have the added benefit of saving huge amounts on the mental health budgets in later years. As like me kids losing siblings spend so much time in years later trying to sort out our mental health.

Call centre

I just received a call from a call centre. The number that calls is
02030264051 in the UK.
If you do an online search all you will see is a list of complaints. There is no company listed for this number.
I have been receiving around 7 calls a day from them over the last several months. Continually I have asked to be taken of their call lists. With no success.
So I have now got call barring on my landline and have just blocked this number.
Believe it or not the call I just had ended when the caller told me to ‘fuck off’ and then hung up.
If anyone knows what company this is I’d love to know?
Right now I’d really like to have a chat with the male who was on the phone tonight.
So if this number 02030264051 calls you please don’t answer it!


That’s me
Normal what’s that
Nothing I want
Big fat n hairy
That’s me
I stitch
I write
I paint with wax

Care for other
Protect my friends
Of course
Help anyone who
Was abused

Peace loving
Covered in tattoo’s
Oh yeah
And more to come
Getting my nipples pierced
Only cause my daughter
Said ‘dad you can’t’
Of course

So yeah
I’m different
And I love it

Abuse by our political leaders

This might be a bit of a rant but here goes anyway.
We live in a country where child abusers and sex offenders get community service orders, murderers get minimal sentences, generally we have a judicial system that’s in tatters.
We employ companies like ATOS to destroy the lives of our sick and disabled.
We are a country that can’t supply our soldiers with sufficient equipment to ensure their safety fighting wars for other people.
We give relocation help to child abusers and other dodgy people.
I thought we couldn’t get any lower then I hear the news today. A young lass A few weeks before sle is due to sit her A-levels is to be deported.
Yashika Bageerathi a young lass due to sit these important exams and she says fleeing an abusive relative is to be sent back to her country of origin. To where this abusive relative is waiting for her.
Seriously has the UK government lost all empathy and sight of what’s right & wrong.
I’m writing to my MP voicing my objection to politicians carrying out this deportation in our names. I believe we should all voice our objection.
Even if its just until the lass has sat her exams.
Even British airways have refused to carry her on their transport to take her back to that abusive relative.

Soul mates

At one point Plato thought we had four arms, four legs and two faces.

Is this why so many of us struggle to feel settled in love?
Its our internal struggle to find our soul mate.
When evolution made us have two legs, two arms and one face. Perhaps we spend our entire life looking for the other half of ourselves. We’re looking for our soul mates. To make our life complete!

Fostering, adoption and social workers.

When I was a kid my mum died. I was nine year old and had three younger siblings, aged four and twins that where eleven months old.
Our dad had left three year prior to this and mums new boyfriend couldn’t cope and left shortly afterwards.
As you can read in my post ‘the weekend’ there was a lot of moving around that weekend. The twins were taken to St Andrews my younger brother and I were housed separately being moved to Weston Super Mare in England for two weeks then into a children’s home for two weeks. Prior to going to foster parents where we stayed till I left aged seventeen.
During that time we had no contact with the twins. At that age I asked social services for help to find out what happened to the twins. I was told I wasn’t a suitable person to be in their lives.
To cut a long story short it was fortythree years before we would have contact again.
This was due to social services lack of empathy, care and understanding about our pain.
That sorted out my family and I achieved it on my own with no help from anyone.
I was told by many that I should stop worrying about others sharing our grief. Then I saw a tv program showing kids for adoption. A family of three being adopted separately, well in two. Anyone adopting them had to ensure continued contact between the three. That contact to be at least ‘once a year’  can you believe that?  I thought that was wrong but better than things used to be.
Then I met a young lass, an inspirational young lass, who was eighteen earlier this year and her younger sister will be eighteen at the end of this year. Neither one knows where the other is!

This situation is disgusting and should not be allowed to continue!

Do you agree?