Category Archives: writing

Writing

Writing is something I love. Having written for years the last few months have been hard. I’ve not written, other than on here, for months now.
Anyone that knows me, knows I over think everything. Today a lot of that thinking has been about my lack of writing.
Coming to the conclusion that what’s stopping me is me. Or should I say my inner editor. You know that voice we all have telling us ‘we’re no good’ or ‘what rubbish you write. No one would like to read that nonsense’. The problem being I’ve been listening to that voice and nothing else.
I hope now that I’ve realised whats going on I can work through it and get writing again.

Kids and on

Your first, fills you
With pride and joy
No matter girl or boy
When you reach three or four
Its run of the mill

After a few years
Its grandkids
The first, you strut
With pride and joy
Better still you
Get all the good bits
Your kids cope with the stress
When you get to
Seven or eight
They’re still special
More matter of fact though

Now I’m waiting
On my first
Great grandkid
Talk about special
Been telling the world
Teasing granddaughter
I’m not old enough
Only fifty six
Still a youngster

Can’t wait till January
My first grandkid
Having a kid
I’m proud as punch
Once more
The cycle starts
I’m bursting with pride
Can’t wait for a cuddle
From great grandkid
Number one

Past thoughts

In the past
I believed I was
Worthless
A bastard
Unlovable
Even worse
I hated me
I lied
And cheated
Hid from all
The child within
Frightened

You came along
Showing you cared
Changing my ways
Then as always
I hurt you
Destroying
The good
That was created
By true friendship

Now I am
In the dark
Once more
Self inflicted
But changed
Never the same
No more
To cause pain
Ever again
Other than to myself
I’m good at that

Night Terrors

Its the worst feeling ever. Waking up terrified, shaking and not even knowing where you are. Shouting out a name that’s not been relevant in my life for almost 40years.
Why does that evil b*****d still have power over my thoughts and dreams?
I’ve mentioned before that these nights happened. Its ridiculous that memories so old cause so much fear in a mature man, taking me back to being a child so many tears.
Its so f*****g wrong!

My faith

Mountianous are the strife’s
That entered my life
Struggles were many
Costing many a penny

Then hope did arrive
Less I had to strive
Life did improve
Nothing to lose

The mystic law
Cut stress like a saw
Deep happiness abound
With many a sound

Chanting for me
Left my soul free
Smiles were many
Costing NOT A PENNY

Demons

When there are demons in your past. Abuse from anyone.
This alters the way we deal with difficult situation.

Take myself. After the abuse I suffered as a kid means that now. If anyone says something I feel is negative about me.
The important thing is I FEEL or perhaps in my mind.
I rarely argue about it, or say anything. What I do is run, hide away from everyone and tell myself it proves what my abuser said ie I’m worthless.

No doubt anyone else would react in a different way.

Anyone who has been abused will have demons that are personal to them. Some may become addicted to various substances, some will throw up a huge wall and ignore the world when they feel wronged, some will perhaps not let someone they’re talking to finish. Then as they heard part of what was being said, they will go of on a rant perhaps losing a friend because of it.
Then others may have demons that prevent them from becoming involved in any relationships at all.
Some may become players using their past to excuse bad behaviour. My brother is an extreme example of this type of demon.

I suppose what I’m saying is
If you are friends with or know someone who was in an abusive relationship of any kind give them some leeway in difficult situations.
Don’t excuse that behaviour but think is it a demon from the past that’s causing their behaviour.

Dazed and Confused thoughts

Our lifes make us so dazed
Our past brings much confusion
Let them both in with joy
As they help our minds
Drag us away from the mundane
From those terrors we all suffer from
From the nightmares
From the fear
Oh yeah the fear
Of
Rejection by all
Pain that I deserve
Terrors from the past
Of being unworthy
Of anyone’s attention

Fear and pain
Go together
like dazed and confused
They stop me from being normal
From allowing the hurt of others affecting my life
From letting folk in
All my fault
All my past, my pain
My life of solitude
Happy amongst the trees
When its dark
No one can see the tears then
No one can laugh at me
As they all do
Time of quite to consider
How the future will be
If the future will be