Category Archives: writing

Adoption and tv

As someone with an interest in the care system in the UK. So when there’s a tv programme about it. I watch with great interest.

The programme’s they show only ever show half the story. They show the joy of parents receiving newly adopted children, they show part of the process. Even children looking for adoptive parents.

What they don’t show are the number of siblings that social services split up. Not only are they split on numerous occasions they’re split never to see each other again.

Not only is this wrong its should be against all social services stand for.
There so called caring professional’s should be ensuring that all kids in they’re care are looked after, they should be giving them the information to maintain contact with their siblings. Even if that’s decades later.

Not only is it the right thing for them to do. Morally, ethically in everyway. In my opinion it should also be the legal thing to do.
Why is it not?

It would have the added benefit of saving huge amounts on the mental health budgets in later years. As like me kids losing siblings spend so much time in years later trying to sort out our mental health.


In & exclusion

As a victim of abuse. We all use these tendencies without thinking about it.

We will remember every bad word said about us for ever. All the folk who back up our negative feelings about ourselves will be included. They are the people speaking the truth.
When folk say nice or positive things about us. We think they’re being nice, or they’re only saying that and don’t mean those things. So we exclude anything they say about us because it can’t be true. It doesn’t fit with our feelings about ourselves.

So what do we do?

We need to re-evaluate the way we listen. Rather than not listening to positive statements. Listen to them and think why would they just be saying it? Some of them will just be saying nice things but that doesn’t mean you have to ignore them.
If nice things are just said. That could mean those saying them think highly of you and are just showing it.
So ask yourself why am I including or excluding statements? If your answer is just because or they’re just being nice. Then think again! Think maybe they’re being honest, maybe they’re speaking a truth you need to accept!

So please listen to what others say and give it serious consideration. Being a survivor of abuse DOES NOT MEAN YOUR BAD or that you DON’T DESERVE GOOD THINGS IN YOUR LIFE!  You do same as everyone else.

Perhaps we should be excluding just the negative things and include just the positive thoughts!

All I want

All I wanna do
Is have a life to

In my past
There was pain
And terror to
Loneliness, little joy
Death and horror to
All of these followed me
Into the present day

All I wanna do
Is have a life to

In the present
I fight
For peace
A mind that is calm
Nights without dreams
Woes just small ones please
Tension reduced
Muscles relaxed
Thoughts of joy

All I wanna do
Is have a life to

In the future
I will have
A mind filled with calm
A body free from tension
Strength to help
My special friends
A future to
Look forward to
I will have a

All I will do
Is have a life to

What I deserve

For those of us who had rough childhoods often ask that question. What do I deserve?

Recently I’ve been asking myself that a lot.
Do I deserve a life?
Do I deserve to be happy?
Often in my opinion the answer is no.
If as in my own case abuse has followed me. From a parent who lifted his hands, an adult who thought it acceptable to sexually abuse me to an ex-wife who took delight in ridiculing me in front of everyone.
Well in my mind it can’t be the fault of others. I mean if so many things happen to me. Surely a big part of the blame must be mine. In which case I deserve nothing but pain.

I know there’ll be folk shouting NO Its their fault. In my mind I can’t see that at all.

Lost wee boy

When my mum died I was 9 year old. The stress and anger it caused turned me into a lost wee boy.
Recently I’ve been looking at my life back then and have come to realise. When I get stressed or angry these days. I do the exact same thing. Becoming a lost wee boy until all the stress and anger has gone.
It makes me hide from the world, I often wedge myself between the bed and the wall so I’m held tight. That makes me feel safe just like a wee boy would. Worst of all I build a gigantic wall around me. Let no one in that way I can’t get hurt. However it also means no one can get in to help me or comfort me. Then the worry, anger or stress just cycles around in my mind. Making it worse!
How to stop this cycle? I just don’t know. I do know it needs to stop!


Sometimes it sucks
You’ve no where to run
Folk see who you are
They know your a bam

No life’s ambitions left
Nothing to achieve
Friends only one
Is it worth staying?

Keep going why?
No reason
Realisation that its
All your fault

It started with you
But where will it end
Only you know
It’ll end when I do

My mind messed up
No thoughts of my own
Thoughts of my past
They fill my head
Room for nothing else
Only horror at what I am
What I became
Because of my past
All of it my fault
I can see that now
How to stop it
I don’t know!

Terror of the past

When I determined to write my story. Well not all of it just the parts that I have proof of. I knew it would be a hard struggle. I’m going to start writing it properly on Monday. Give myself the weekend to build up to it.

I know that may sound silly build up to it. However I started putting together the information I’d need to write this story and already I’m struggling mentally with all the memories and reminders of terror from my past that have taken up residence in my mind tonight.


I am going to do this!

I am worth more than my past

I will succeed with this book

I will not let all that crap

Come back into my head

And mess it up again

This time it will be done

It will be finished

Sent to a publisher by September

If it gets published or not

Doesn’t matter

I have to do this



Perhaps I sound self indulgent here but seriously folks this is driving me to the brink of doing something silly again.