Tag Archives: abuse

DISGUSTING

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-york-north-yorkshire-30514237

This link takes you to an article showing that the police did have enough evidence to arrest Jimmy Saville and Peter Jaconelli on  child sex abuse charges.

What type of sytem is this country running?
Or Was it running in the seventies?

These men should have been charged convicted and prevented from harming others. Why it was not done, I doubt anyone will ever know, other than those concerned.

Lets hope they’ve learned some lessons and that the inquiries happening now will prove more fruitful.

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Shame

Comes in all shapes and sizes.

We’ve all felt it at times

Created by us, felt by all

Our own shame is deep

Making us hide from the world

Remembering shameful instances

When our actions have hurt others

Woah that is so low, dragging us into hell

However when the shame is created for us

By others, especially family members

We have no influence on how

It was created or the effects it has

Our family can drag us below Dante’s 9 rings of the inferno

The depths of hell is no longer as low as we can go

I have 2 family members who have dragged me

Way below hell, time to shrink into the abyss

Let folk forget these males are you family

Forget you have any link with such sick b*****d’s

There is no return from these depths

Folk never forget, you will always be the

Brother of that sick pair.

No matter my actions

Those actions of family members will

For ever define me.

Forever make me into

Something I could never be

I just got to search

For an answer

For an escape from the stick

That has tarred my family

It would be better

For the WORLD

If I no longer existed!!!!!!!!!

The police come to my house
Three and a half hours
They questioned me
They now have a link
Between me and those sick
Perverted wee ********
How can I ever life that down?

This week

There are weeks in our life’s where we think will I ever get to be happy?

This week started great I had a mammogram on Tuesday and the results were clear. Meaning I did not have cancer. What a great start to any  week. I was smiling feeling so upbeat it was great.

However I got home from that appointment to find a card behind the door from the police asking to speak to me. No mention of what it concerned.
So I phoned them to discover it was an enquiry relating to an ancient abuse claim made by my younger brother.

Not against me I hasten to add.

So today at 9am they came to visit and questioned me till nearly 12 noon. I was bloody shattered.

Then I thought the police now have a link between me and a convicted pervert. They brought back lots of memories I’d rather have forgo ten and now its after 3 am and I can’t sleep with all this going round in my head.
To top it all the man the complaint is against has been dead for years. What purpose does that give the enquiry?

I know I should be more sympathetic. I just can’t can’t muster any sympathy for the pervert making the complaint especially since I think it is purely to absolve him of responsibility for his actions.

Now at the weekend I feel like crap because of my brother. Great life or what.

24hrs in custody

This is the title of a documentary programme on 4seven. Being about child pornography and those being accussed of possesing and making it.

I tried to watch it. Really did.

However when a grown male, not a man definitely not a man,  is being questioned about viewing penetrative sex relating to a child younger than three year old.  Then talking about that as if he were discussing the weather. I had to switch of.

How can the police listen to these Numpties and not slap them?

When these b*****d’s are caught and openly admit these offences don’t give them low sentences, don’t say oh poor you, you suffered as a child. Lock them away for ever or even better hang them. Make sure they suffer as those poor children suffered.

I may have put to much thought into it but my sentence to them would be-

Wrap razor wire around their testicles, attach the other end to the back of a car, let the car be driven just fast enough so they can run and keep up with it and let them cut their own bits of. Then refuse them medical assistance and let them bleed to death.

Sorry but they get me so wild!
The only subject that could still get me locked up in the jail and I would put up with that to stop one poor kid from suffering at the hands of these ass holes.

They say I am not touching the kids.
No but you are facilitating them being touched by viewing this disgusting material.

How folk see me

When folk look at me

What do they see?

They see

The terror

The pain

The anger oh yeah the anger

They see that Freak

From long ago

The one who was abused

His mum died 

Left him like

All the rest

They see the temper

The nasty freaky man

I used to be

 

They never look

Close enough to see

That man

Has changed

Become a peaceful

Kinder man

 

All they see 

Is the Freak

From way back when

Who was angry at the world

Who wanted to make things end

To make it stop

 

They see that

Because the real me

Is hiding behind that wall

The one I built

In me to stop 

Them hurting me

Punishing me

For being a freak

No one gets in

Friends I have few, actually two

Only one of them

See’s who I am

Really am

Can I ever be normal?

Can I stop being the freak?

Who everyone hates

Who no one cares about

The one who does

Crazy things

Who hurts himself

And crazily enjoys it

 

I won’t be that person

Any more 

I want to move on

To be the peaceful

Kind man

That’s been hiding for years

The one who cares to much

The one who rarely say’s no

Who gets used and abused

Because that is what 

I deserve

Freak that I am

Support and Listening

As someone who has suffered abuse both as a child and an adult. I’ve always found it difficult to accept the support I have always needed.

I saw it as other folk showing me sympathy and that I did not need ever. I had enough of other people controlling my life.

These day’s being a little older and a little calmer. I realise that if I had accepted that support earlier in life then perhaps my eldest daughter would not have seen some of what she did and should never have seen.

The way I had been offered support in the past had been rather twisted. Being told that no matter what they would be there for me and then backing it up by saying you can’t help the way you are. I mean seriously, we’ll help you and you can’t help being a b*****d. This is how I always saw myself but no more thanks to finding my best friend and soulmate. She not only listened but never ever judged my past. When an opinion was called for, I’d receive an empathetic response hearing the love and caring in her voice. Not being judged for the first time in my life was a strange experience to say the least.
I’d been used to being told it all happened because of the nasty person I was.

Now thanks to that very special lass I can now talk truthfully to my psychologist. In days past I told them what they wanted to hear, which did not help me or them. All it did was internalise the problem, making me feel worse about myself and show those in the mental health profession that I was worthless and not worth their effort. That was my fault no one else’s.

However during the time I refused support from all. What I did do was use the negative things being said to me by abusive adults to reaffirm my negative belief about myself. Not hearing anything positive or hearing it and telling myself they were only saying nice things because they were nice folk and nothing more.

So if you know anyone who has been abused in the past and you want to support them. The best thing you can do is not to give up. It is also so important not to judge them for what happened, so many folk do, just listen and give advice/input when it seems its being asked for.

In years to come they will thank you as I am doing to my best friend here.

Accepting Praise

When you’ve had the kind of life I’ve had, this is a very difficult thing to do. You spend your life with a voice in your head telling you how bad/worthless you are. Trying to change that is a very difficult thing to achieve.

Even on here, when someone says something nice about my work I think ” They’re just being nice”.

If your dealing with someone who was abused in their past, in any way. Be patient, remember they will still feel without worth. I still do over 40 years later. 

My best friend continually tells me that I’m a nice man and that I have achieved so much. That voice is still there saying “Your stupid, unlovable, why would anyone say these things when your worthless”. Thankfully that special friend has stuck by me and continues to tell me how wrong I am thinking these things. I say a huge thank you to her for being the best friend anyone could have.