Tag Archives: alone

thought

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Facebook and Me

This blog post is going to be an examination of the way I use and used to use facebook. Some might say its self serving but its something I need to do for me and here seems like a good place to do it.

When I first started using Facebook, probably around a decade ago. It was a tool for me to make myself feel better. Using it to chat to women some would say flirt with them. Thinking back on it I was becoming a user, the kind of man we all hear about but never want to admit we are.

This continued for a few years. I would meet women on it and become friends with them, never ever accepting in my mind that what I was doing was wrong, it was.

Then near eight year ago I met a woman who was, and in my mind is still very special. She came into my life as others had. I was still using at the time and I used her.

Then the strangest thing happened. This woman whom I’d never met became such a central part of my life. I lived just to be able to speak to her. She lived a few hundred miles away. We did however talk on a daily basis often several times a day. We went through many many ups and downs. At times it felt like there were more downs than ups though.

For my part I had continued to treat her the way I had treated all the women I met online. Now I realise I was so wrong in the way I was treating her and had done to many others in the past.

However through this special relationship I was shown by this special lady that I caused so much pain to these women who deserved none of what I dished out to them. I came to realise that I was not only using them to make me feel better about myself, sad auld man or what.
However there was a huge plus side to this part of our relationship.
After the realisation that I was causing so much pain to so many people. This special lass stuck with me throughout all of this and we continued to have the best relationship anyone could ever dream of. She not only showed me the pain I caused others, she showed me that I didn’t need all of that stress and drama I WAS CREATING.

She showed me I was a worthwhile person and could be someone’s friend/ special friend without being dishonest and just being myself.
These are selfish thoughts to still be having. However the story has continued from there.

This special lass became so so much my soul-mate. A place I had no right to ask anyone to be in!

After much mistreatment by me she decided enough was enough and that the pain and stress I was causing was no longer worth it. Honestly she was right. I may have stopped being dishonest with her but I continued on a daily basis to put her in such an untenable situation she did all she could in walking away from me. It was what was needed for her sanity. That must come first for anyone.

As we became more to each other I stopped using Facebook and didn’t need that type of contact with anyone thanks to this lass. I cancelled my account on Facebook and was probably the happiest I had ever been not only online but in real life as well. We were in daily contact and Facebook meant nothing.

As I said earlier though we stopped being friends. Having no contact at all, with her in my thoughts not daily but hourly or even every minute of every day.
By this point I had realised that no matter what happened my behaviour needed to stay changed. I needed to stop causing so much pain to other folk.

Now came the big trial for me.
I had lost someone who took up so much of my time that I had lots of spare time on my hands. The trial would be what to do with it all. I immersed myself in other things but there are only so many things you can do on-line keeping little contact with others.

I took the decision to renew my relationship with Facebook. Would I return to my old ways?

I started my account again and enjoyed the extra contact with family member, enjoying the games that were part of my Facebook experience. Playing Farmville, Scrabble and many more. It was great.

Then I found myself saying things to other folk that would have created situations in the past that were wrong. This time however I said them to friends of my daughters and people that I had known for many years. I no longer needed that relationship with strange women. I was content with my life. The only difference was my friend was missing. That did bring sadness to my life but I dealt with it in many different ways. I have not nor will I ever put any woman in that position again. I refuse to be the one that creates that much pain in anyone’s life.
I am enjoying the experience of being back on the Facebook wheel/whirlwind. I however have not nor will I ever be dragging through the pages on there looking for women to boost my ego. No one deserves to have that amount of BS in their life.

So I hope that special person who gave me the self believe and awareness of that pain I caused that I will never go back to that type of behaviour.
So if you read this my best friend because I still think of her as my best friend, the only person who ever understood me enough, to be honest with me and say Roy your behaving like a complete D**kh**d. I apoligise for all the pain and grief I caused you. Please know that thanks to your words and tears NO ONE EVER be put in that position again by me.

Its really sad that you had to suffer so much pain and tears for me to realise that my behaviour was wrong. That lesson is learned now and though I am enjoying the Facebook thing you have gauranteed no one will ever that pain again.

So thank you for me but more importantly Thank YOU for saving all those others the pain you felt.
No matter what happens in my life no one ever replace you and for the rest of my life I will always call you my best friend my soul mate!!!!

I will always love you until the day I die!!!!

Now I am going to bed and dream of what I lost through my own fault and hopefully part of that dream may be about the way things might have been.

Shame

Comes in all shapes and sizes.

We’ve all felt it at times

Created by us, felt by all

Our own shame is deep

Making us hide from the world

Remembering shameful instances

When our actions have hurt others

Woah that is so low, dragging us into hell

However when the shame is created for us

By others, especially family members

We have no influence on how

It was created or the effects it has

Our family can drag us below Dante’s 9 rings of the inferno

The depths of hell is no longer as low as we can go

I have 2 family members who have dragged me

Way below hell, time to shrink into the abyss

Let folk forget these males are you family

Forget you have any link with such sick b*****d’s

There is no return from these depths

Folk never forget, you will always be the

Brother of that sick pair.

No matter my actions

Those actions of family members will

For ever define me.

Forever make me into

Something I could never be

I just got to search

For an answer

For an escape from the stick

That has tarred my family

It would be better

For the WORLD

If I no longer existed!!!!!!!!!

The police come to my house
Three and a half hours
They questioned me
They now have a link
Between me and those sick
Perverted wee ********
How can I ever life that down?

Poetry

This is a poem I wrote about me. Following it is my daughters response to it.

I tried often, when I was younger

Overdoses there were many

Wrists slashed oh yeah

Even drowning attempted

In my eyes

I was worth nout

Of that there was no doubt

The world without me

Would be a better place to be

Late in life I realised, this was not reality

It was what others, had made me feel

I did deserve more, my religious practice showed me

I decided, no one else

My future, my fate, I decide

Using my past, to help others

Made it bearable

Giving me feelings of

Self worth and esteem

My actions decide My future

Not my past

and It’s looking up

With the mystic law

It is getting better

and Will be great

No More Suicide Attempts ever

My daughters response.

Drip, drip, drip

Watch it leave

Drip, drip, drip

A path it will weave

Drip, drip, drip

Spreading down, down more

Drip, drip, drip

Heading down to the floor

Drip, drip, drip

A dark, crimson shower

Drip, drip, drip

It’s journey soon to lose power

Drip, drip, drip

It’s worth nothing you see

Drip, drip, drip

It’s worth nothing to me

Drip, drip, drip

Drip, not another hour!

This life force you see

Spreading out on the floor

This life force you see

Heading out of the door

This life force you see

Is worth something to many

This life force you see

Is worth so much to many

This life force you see

Has cuddles to share

This life force you see

Has a duty to care

This life force you see

Has a great deal of power

This life force you see

Will grow hour by hour

This life force you see

Means everything to me!!!

I’d be very interested in folks views on these!