Tag Archives: Child Abuse

DISGUSTING

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-york-north-yorkshire-30514237

This link takes you to an article showing that the police did have enough evidence to arrest Jimmy Saville and Peter Jaconelli on  child sex abuse charges.

What type of sytem is this country running?
Or Was it running in the seventies?

These men should have been charged convicted and prevented from harming others. Why it was not done, I doubt anyone will ever know, other than those concerned.

Lets hope they’ve learned some lessons and that the inquiries happening now will prove more fruitful.

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24hrs in custody

This is the title of a documentary programme on 4seven. Being about child pornography and those being accussed of possesing and making it.

I tried to watch it. Really did.

However when a grown male, not a man definitely not a man,  is being questioned about viewing penetrative sex relating to a child younger than three year old.  Then talking about that as if he were discussing the weather. I had to switch of.

How can the police listen to these Numpties and not slap them?

When these b*****d’s are caught and openly admit these offences don’t give them low sentences, don’t say oh poor you, you suffered as a child. Lock them away for ever or even better hang them. Make sure they suffer as those poor children suffered.

I may have put to much thought into it but my sentence to them would be-

Wrap razor wire around their testicles, attach the other end to the back of a car, let the car be driven just fast enough so they can run and keep up with it and let them cut their own bits of. Then refuse them medical assistance and let them bleed to death.

Sorry but they get me so wild!
The only subject that could still get me locked up in the jail and I would put up with that to stop one poor kid from suffering at the hands of these ass holes.

They say I am not touching the kids.
No but you are facilitating them being touched by viewing this disgusting material.

Terror of the past

When I determined to write my story. Well not all of it just the parts that I have proof of. I knew it would be a hard struggle. I’m going to start writing it properly on Monday. Give myself the weekend to build up to it.

I know that may sound silly build up to it. However I started putting together the information I’d need to write this story and already I’m struggling mentally with all the memories and reminders of terror from my past that have taken up residence in my mind tonight.

 

I am going to do this!

I am worth more than my past

I will succeed with this book

I will not let all that crap

Come back into my head

And mess it up again

This time it will be done

It will be finished

Sent to a publisher by September

If it gets published or not

Doesn’t matter

I have to do this

FOR ME

 

Perhaps I sound self indulgent here but seriously folks this is driving me to the brink of doing something silly again.

Dilemma, to tell or not?

When you’ve suffered abuse in your life.

A question you often ask yourself is. Do I tell other family members or not?

Well tonight I was asked outright to email my cousin and inform her what had happened and how it affected my relationship with my family. 

I am now in my 50’s and have struggled with what happened when I was a kid all my life. I don’t want to lie to my cousin but will what I have to say have any impact on her life?

Will she better of for knowing? I doubt it.

Will she feel differently toward me? Knowing I suffered penetrative sex aged 6 to 9. This really worries me. I know its silly but I still blame myself.

If I tell her, will that in turn mean others find out about what happened? I could not handle that.

How can I destroy her memories of other family members? I don’t think I can, or that I’d want to.

 

I know anyone who reads this will probably think, come on just tell her and get on with life. If I do where does it stop? Will I be asked to go to the police about it? How could I prove anything that happened over 40yr ago? 

These days thanks to my religion, Buddhism, and a very special friend. I am beginning to get to the point that I no longer of myself as a bastard. Something I’ve done all my life. I am struggling with low self esteem, depression and a personality disorder. My concern being will others learning the truth about the past end up making my health worse? 

As a younger man I believed by the time I’d reached my 50’s all of this would sorted. At least in my head. However I was wrong and the more contact I have with extended family the more complicated these things become. It scares me now how bad an effect I could have on the rest of my family. I don’t want to cause anyone that amount of pain. I’ve suffered it on my own for so long that it doesn’t matter any more. I even think I don’t matter any more. 

 

So my Dilemma is, do I tell my cousin or not? 

Any opinions welcome please I need help.

 

 

Support and Listening

As someone who has suffered abuse both as a child and an adult. I’ve always found it difficult to accept the support I have always needed.

I saw it as other folk showing me sympathy and that I did not need ever. I had enough of other people controlling my life.

These day’s being a little older and a little calmer. I realise that if I had accepted that support earlier in life then perhaps my eldest daughter would not have seen some of what she did and should never have seen.

The way I had been offered support in the past had been rather twisted. Being told that no matter what they would be there for me and then backing it up by saying you can’t help the way you are. I mean seriously, we’ll help you and you can’t help being a b*****d. This is how I always saw myself but no more thanks to finding my best friend and soulmate. She not only listened but never ever judged my past. When an opinion was called for, I’d receive an empathetic response hearing the love and caring in her voice. Not being judged for the first time in my life was a strange experience to say the least.
I’d been used to being told it all happened because of the nasty person I was.

Now thanks to that very special lass I can now talk truthfully to my psychologist. In days past I told them what they wanted to hear, which did not help me or them. All it did was internalise the problem, making me feel worse about myself and show those in the mental health profession that I was worthless and not worth their effort. That was my fault no one else’s.

However during the time I refused support from all. What I did do was use the negative things being said to me by abusive adults to reaffirm my negative belief about myself. Not hearing anything positive or hearing it and telling myself they were only saying nice things because they were nice folk and nothing more.

So if you know anyone who has been abused in the past and you want to support them. The best thing you can do is not to give up. It is also so important not to judge them for what happened, so many folk do, just listen and give advice/input when it seems its being asked for.

In years to come they will thank you as I am doing to my best friend here.

Worthless

Is how you feel

Decades its been that way

HE told you that

In that room

When you feared

Always, trembling at the thought

Life was harsh

Its not now

 

Am I that person?

Who cowered beneath the bed

Am I still that child?

Who feared everything

NO I AM NOT

 

I have worth now

During the day

When I’m not alone

 

At night your there

With your voice

So creepy

Making me feel

Like that child again

Just leave me alone will you

Its been so many years

Why can’t I sleep in peace?

Because your always there