When you’ve suffered abuse in your life.
A question you often ask yourself is. Do I tell other family members or not?
Well tonight I was asked outright to email my cousin and inform her what had happened and how it affected my relationship with my family.
I am now in my 50’s and have struggled with what happened when I was a kid all my life. I don’t want to lie to my cousin but will what I have to say have any impact on her life?
Will she better of for knowing? I doubt it.
Will she feel differently toward me? Knowing I suffered penetrative sex aged 6 to 9. This really worries me. I know its silly but I still blame myself.
If I tell her, will that in turn mean others find out about what happened? I could not handle that.
How can I destroy her memories of other family members? I don’t think I can, or that I’d want to.
I know anyone who reads this will probably think, come on just tell her and get on with life. If I do where does it stop? Will I be asked to go to the police about it? How could I prove anything that happened over 40yr ago?
These days thanks to my religion, Buddhism, and a very special friend. I am beginning to get to the point that I no longer of myself as a bastard. Something I’ve done all my life. I am struggling with low self esteem, depression and a personality disorder. My concern being will others learning the truth about the past end up making my health worse?
As a younger man I believed by the time I’d reached my 50’s all of this would sorted. At least in my head. However I was wrong and the more contact I have with extended family the more complicated these things become. It scares me now how bad an effect I could have on the rest of my family. I don’t want to cause anyone that amount of pain. I’ve suffered it on my own for so long that it doesn’t matter any more. I even think I don’t matter any more.
So my Dilemma is, do I tell my cousin or not?
Any opinions welcome please I need help.