Tag Archives: life

All I want

All I wanna do
Is have a life to

In my past
There was pain
And terror to
Loneliness, little joy
Death and horror to
All of these followed me
Into the present day

All I wanna do
Is have a life to

In the present
I fight
For peace
A mind that is calm
Nights without dreams
Woes just small ones please
Tension reduced
Muscles relaxed
Thoughts of joy
Please

All I wanna do
Is have a life to

In the future
I will have
A mind filled with calm
A body free from tension
Strength to help
My special friends
A future to
Look forward to
I will have a
Life

All I will do
Is have a life to

What I deserve

For those of us who had rough childhoods often ask that question. What do I deserve?

Recently I’ve been asking myself that a lot.
Do I deserve a life?
Do I deserve to be happy?
Often in my opinion the answer is no.
If as in my own case abuse has followed me. From a parent who lifted his hands, an adult who thought it acceptable to sexually abuse me to an ex-wife who took delight in ridiculing me in front of everyone.
Well in my mind it can’t be the fault of others. I mean if so many things happen to me. Surely a big part of the blame must be mine. In which case I deserve nothing but pain.

I know there’ll be folk shouting NO Its their fault. In my mind I can’t see that at all.

Life

Sometimes it sucks
You’ve no where to run
Folk see who you are
They know your a bam

No life’s ambitions left
Nothing to achieve
Friends only one
Is it worth staying?

Keep going why?
No reason
Realisation that its
All your fault

It started with you
But where will it end
Only you know
It’ll end when I do

My mind messed up
No thoughts of my own
Thoughts of my past
They fill my head
Room for nothing else
Only horror at what I am
What I became
Because of my past
Yes
All of it my fault
I can see that now
How to stop it
Continuing
I don’t know!

What to do?

I’ve thrown myself into writing about my past. Trouble being it takes my mind back to those days. The days when I hurt all the time. When I was ashamed of being me. The days when I couldn’t talk to anyone about my life about my messed up childhood.
Now my mind is in that damned awful place. Where I’m a worthless piece of s**t.
How do I get my mind out of hell?

MY ROCK

Some people in life

Are there for you

No matter the time

Or day of the week

They show you

Nothing but kindness 

Empathy and trust

Shoring you up

When your mood slips

They don’t need

To be, always 

With you in body

In your mind they

Are, In your

Prayers and thoughts

You know if you 

Need them

They’ll be at

Your side in 

A tick

 

I’m lucky in my life

To have one like this

Who is has always

Been there for me

When I was in need

To speak to 

To listen to

To love and cherish

ALWAYS

 

Thank you my friend

You know who you are

The difference you’ve made

Is beyond my greatest desire

You changed me a little

Which was much needed 

I say

You gave me the courage

To just be me

I love you

Ashamed

The other day while visiting my sister. She told a story of how on a day out with our dad. They stopped the car and my sister and dad jumped a fence and ran down to a wee stream. You could hear the enjoyment in her voice. Of a fun filled day they had shared.

Me I was so jealous, I had never had days like that with my parents. Mum died when I was 9, dad had left years before that and I had no contact with him till after I left school.
After those thoughts I felt ashamed that I’d become jealous of my sister.
When am I going to act like a normal human being?

Different

That’s me
Normal what’s that
Nothing I want
Big fat n hairy
That’s me
I stitch
I write
I paint with wax

Care for other
Yeah
Protect my friends
Of course
Help anyone who
Was abused

Peace loving
Definitely
Covered in tattoo’s
Oh yeah
And more to come
Getting my nipples pierced
Only cause my daughter
Said ‘dad you can’t’
Buddhist
Of course

So yeah
I’m different
And I love it
😀

Rules for living

1. Remember no one is better than you.
2. More importantly you are no one is less than you either.
3. Never allow bigotry or hatred of
kind to colour your judgment.
4. Stand up against all forms of abuse.
5. Always enjoy walking in the rain.
6. Take pleasure in the natural world with all its beauty.
7. Protect all those you care for.
8. Give at least as much as you take from others.
9. Always encourage all others to achieve the best they can.
10. Be true to yourself.