Tag Archives: Me

Smiles and Jokes

These create much joy

They bring happiness to many folk

When you see someone

Smile or being Jokey

Look close

They could be hiding a breaking heart

I smile lots

I now and then

Tell a joke
Mostly I’m using both

To hide the way

I’m really feeling

So never judge someone

By just their actions

Those could be masking a world of hurt.

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Tears and Health

For the last several months I’ve had serious issues with pain from my lower back. Actually its pain I’ve had for many years but its got worse recently. It has been diagnosed as spinal arthritis and believe its horendous.

This has caused a tear or two as you can imagine partly due to the pain but more because I have realised that I can’t do what I always have physically and it has had an immense effect on the way I sleep, the length of sleep I’m getting and the quality of sleep I’m getting.

The pain is manageable they tell me. Seems to me all they do is mess around with my medication. More pain relief, less heart medication then more anti-depressants I just wish they’d make their mind up and let me try and get into a routine.

I can’t even sit and draw, something I really enjoy, as my back pain won’t allow me to sit and concentrate on things.

I’ve never been an early bedder or someone that sleeps consistently but this has been crazy. I have already tried to sleep tonight and woke up in pain will try and sleep again after writing this but don’t know if it’ll work or not.

I always try and support my friends in any way I can. Then when I’m feeling like this they decide its time to have to have a dig and make me feel worse. More tears.
They start will you pick up this for me, or take me there, oh yeah and the final slap in the face is when you see they’ve been hurt and you try to support them only to realise when the penny drops that its you their talking about.#

If Karma is real, which I believe it is, I must have been a real b*****d in my last life and earlier in this one. Now I’m getting payback for all of my past badness. Why else would I have this all at the same time as family member’s doing ridiculous criminal acts, guys I’ve known for decades using me with no thought for my feelings etc.

Sorry if this has been a bit of a rant but right I’m hurting so much now that the penny has dropped and I realise how I’m being used and abused with no thought for the way the tears and my health are effecting me.
Then you sit and think all of this over and realise that close family members and friends don’t trust me enough or think enough of me to trust me with their address.

Know what I have a family member who was convicted of looking at child porn on-line, to me the lowest of the low, and he doesn’t want folk knowing he is related to someone like me, he doesn’t trust me with his address or his phone number and I’m definitely not allowed to have an actual conversation with him. That does shows how little folk think of me and what little value others place on my friendship.

Maybe it would be better if I just wasn’t around any more. The world would obviously be a better place when even very close family members have so little trust or thought for me.

Well goning to try and sleep again. I so hope I can because this pain is driving me crazy.

NaNoWriMo

My entire life I have written creatively. Never had I let anyone see my work after my ex told me I must be gay if I was writing poems and fictional stories.

Then I found my best friend Su and she changed the way I thought about these things and much more. Making such a difference that last month I had a couple of items published in an anthology and had several pieces hung in an exhibition in a nearby town.
Now I am going to attempt this NaNoWriMo exercise.

I have an exam tomorrow so I haven’t started the NaNoWriMo yet but starting Monday I am going to give it my best shot.

THANK YOU Su for giving me the self believe to even attempt this x

NIGHTS

Night

Brings darkness, to your soul

Nightmares from your past

Dreams of what could have been

Or of what might yet come to be

Most of all

It brings loneliness

Tears

Self hatred

Of what you were

What you still are

Often not the same

Makes your mind start

Going over your mistakes

Your joys, few though they are

Darkness dragging you down

Making your soul become its not

In the light of day

It makes you blind

To anything positive

To your good points

To any chance you have

Of having a solid

lasting friendship

Cause and Effect (Karma)

Has come to bite your ass

Make you realise

Other folk are better without you

All you do is cause pain

Make others hate you

Is there an end to this

I doubt it

Its been going for

over 40years

why would it stop now

IT WON’T

Facebook and Me

This blog post is going to be an examination of the way I use and used to use facebook. Some might say its self serving but its something I need to do for me and here seems like a good place to do it.

When I first started using Facebook, probably around a decade ago. It was a tool for me to make myself feel better. Using it to chat to women some would say flirt with them. Thinking back on it I was becoming a user, the kind of man we all hear about but never want to admit we are.

This continued for a few years. I would meet women on it and become friends with them, never ever accepting in my mind that what I was doing was wrong, it was.

Then near eight year ago I met a woman who was, and in my mind is still very special. She came into my life as others had. I was still using at the time and I used her.

Then the strangest thing happened. This woman whom I’d never met became such a central part of my life. I lived just to be able to speak to her. She lived a few hundred miles away. We did however talk on a daily basis often several times a day. We went through many many ups and downs. At times it felt like there were more downs than ups though.

For my part I had continued to treat her the way I had treated all the women I met online. Now I realise I was so wrong in the way I was treating her and had done to many others in the past.

However through this special relationship I was shown by this special lady that I caused so much pain to these women who deserved none of what I dished out to them. I came to realise that I was not only using them to make me feel better about myself, sad auld man or what.
However there was a huge plus side to this part of our relationship.
After the realisation that I was causing so much pain to so many people. This special lass stuck with me throughout all of this and we continued to have the best relationship anyone could ever dream of. She not only showed me the pain I caused others, she showed me that I didn’t need all of that stress and drama I WAS CREATING.

She showed me I was a worthwhile person and could be someone’s friend/ special friend without being dishonest and just being myself.
These are selfish thoughts to still be having. However the story has continued from there.

This special lass became so so much my soul-mate. A place I had no right to ask anyone to be in!

After much mistreatment by me she decided enough was enough and that the pain and stress I was causing was no longer worth it. Honestly she was right. I may have stopped being dishonest with her but I continued on a daily basis to put her in such an untenable situation she did all she could in walking away from me. It was what was needed for her sanity. That must come first for anyone.

As we became more to each other I stopped using Facebook and didn’t need that type of contact with anyone thanks to this lass. I cancelled my account on Facebook and was probably the happiest I had ever been not only online but in real life as well. We were in daily contact and Facebook meant nothing.

As I said earlier though we stopped being friends. Having no contact at all, with her in my thoughts not daily but hourly or even every minute of every day.
By this point I had realised that no matter what happened my behaviour needed to stay changed. I needed to stop causing so much pain to other folk.

Now came the big trial for me.
I had lost someone who took up so much of my time that I had lots of spare time on my hands. The trial would be what to do with it all. I immersed myself in other things but there are only so many things you can do on-line keeping little contact with others.

I took the decision to renew my relationship with Facebook. Would I return to my old ways?

I started my account again and enjoyed the extra contact with family member, enjoying the games that were part of my Facebook experience. Playing Farmville, Scrabble and many more. It was great.

Then I found myself saying things to other folk that would have created situations in the past that were wrong. This time however I said them to friends of my daughters and people that I had known for many years. I no longer needed that relationship with strange women. I was content with my life. The only difference was my friend was missing. That did bring sadness to my life but I dealt with it in many different ways. I have not nor will I ever put any woman in that position again. I refuse to be the one that creates that much pain in anyone’s life.
I am enjoying the experience of being back on the Facebook wheel/whirlwind. I however have not nor will I ever be dragging through the pages on there looking for women to boost my ego. No one deserves to have that amount of BS in their life.

So I hope that special person who gave me the self believe and awareness of that pain I caused that I will never go back to that type of behaviour.
So if you read this my best friend because I still think of her as my best friend, the only person who ever understood me enough, to be honest with me and say Roy your behaving like a complete D**kh**d. I apoligise for all the pain and grief I caused you. Please know that thanks to your words and tears NO ONE EVER be put in that position again by me.

Its really sad that you had to suffer so much pain and tears for me to realise that my behaviour was wrong. That lesson is learned now and though I am enjoying the Facebook thing you have gauranteed no one will ever that pain again.

So thank you for me but more importantly Thank YOU for saving all those others the pain you felt.
No matter what happens in my life no one ever replace you and for the rest of my life I will always call you my best friend my soul mate!!!!

I will always love you until the day I die!!!!

Now I am going to bed and dream of what I lost through my own fault and hopefully part of that dream may be about the way things might have been.

Shame

Comes in all shapes and sizes.

We’ve all felt it at times

Created by us, felt by all

Our own shame is deep

Making us hide from the world

Remembering shameful instances

When our actions have hurt others

Woah that is so low, dragging us into hell

However when the shame is created for us

By others, especially family members

We have no influence on how

It was created or the effects it has

Our family can drag us below Dante’s 9 rings of the inferno

The depths of hell is no longer as low as we can go

I have 2 family members who have dragged me

Way below hell, time to shrink into the abyss

Let folk forget these males are you family

Forget you have any link with such sick b*****d’s

There is no return from these depths

Folk never forget, you will always be the

Brother of that sick pair.

No matter my actions

Those actions of family members will

For ever define me.

Forever make me into

Something I could never be

I just got to search

For an answer

For an escape from the stick

That has tarred my family

It would be better

For the WORLD

If I no longer existed!!!!!!!!!

The police come to my house
Three and a half hours
They questioned me
They now have a link
Between me and those sick
Perverted wee ********
How can I ever life that down?

What I deserve

For those of us who had rough childhoods often ask that question. What do I deserve?

Recently I’ve been asking myself that a lot.
Do I deserve a life?
Do I deserve to be happy?
Often in my opinion the answer is no.
If as in my own case abuse has followed me. From a parent who lifted his hands, an adult who thought it acceptable to sexually abuse me to an ex-wife who took delight in ridiculing me in front of everyone.
Well in my mind it can’t be the fault of others. I mean if so many things happen to me. Surely a big part of the blame must be mine. In which case I deserve nothing but pain.

I know there’ll be folk shouting NO Its their fault. In my mind I can’t see that at all.

How folk see me

When folk look at me

What do they see?

They see

The terror

The pain

The anger oh yeah the anger

They see that Freak

From long ago

The one who was abused

His mum died 

Left him like

All the rest

They see the temper

The nasty freaky man

I used to be

 

They never look

Close enough to see

That man

Has changed

Become a peaceful

Kinder man

 

All they see 

Is the Freak

From way back when

Who was angry at the world

Who wanted to make things end

To make it stop

 

They see that

Because the real me

Is hiding behind that wall

The one I built

In me to stop 

Them hurting me

Punishing me

For being a freak

No one gets in

Friends I have few, actually two

Only one of them

See’s who I am

Really am

Can I ever be normal?

Can I stop being the freak?

Who everyone hates

Who no one cares about

The one who does

Crazy things

Who hurts himself

And crazily enjoys it

 

I won’t be that person

Any more 

I want to move on

To be the peaceful

Kind man

That’s been hiding for years

The one who cares to much

The one who rarely say’s no

Who gets used and abused

Because that is what 

I deserve

Freak that I am

Mental Health

Mental health is one of our last taboo’s!

 

We don’t like talking about it

We want it to be elsewhere

It never happens to us

Always someone else

 

Wrong it happened to me

My head is a scary place

Because of past abuse

And present turmoils

 

If you know someone who suffers with their mental health. Support them, help them but most of all don’t change toward them.